I have sat down to write a new post for the past few days, but I just couldn't find the words. Well until now that is. I think I may have found just a few words to express a tish bit of what's been going on in my heart and my head for the past few days.
1. I miss my Mamaw. I love the business that Candace and I have founded in her honor, and I love sharing her love with the world. However, I would give it all away for more time with her. This weekend, I was a little under the weather, and my mom put up some strawberry figs. You may find this a strange combination, but it was exactly this combination that took my breath away. Nothing made me feel better than the embrace of my Mamaw - something about that tight squeeze and the way she smelled made everything right in my world. And there is nothing that reminds me of her more than canning fruit. When we were little girls, Mamaw put up everything in cans. She made blueberry, plum, peach, strawberry, and fig jams and jellies. The scent of fruit cooking on the stove takes me back to that kitchen. So as I sat at Mama and Daddy's house looking at a picture of Mamaw and Papaw with Mom and Candace were cooking the figs, I had to take a minute to fight back tears and emotions that came upon me faster than I ever expected. Even now as I write this I am teary eyed and trying to hold it all in.
2. In all this sadness and pain of loss, I am reminded of just how awesome God is. He is the God who has me and you "inscribed on the palms of His hands." (Is 49:16) He is the God who sees what we are going through and says "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you - I have called you by name; You are MINE." (Is 43:1) He is Jesus that needed to get away after the death of John the Baptist (Matt 14:13) and Jesus who wept at the passing of Lazarus (John 11). So when I am sad and missing my Mamaw, I know that I serve a God who has been there and experienced those same emotions. He does not demean or belittle your suffering nor does He tell you to just get over it, but He has compassion to the point that He suffers right along with you and me (Matt 14). I don't know about you, but that is so completely comforting to me.
3. I think its okay to live in the painful moments for a time. I remember bits and pieces of conversations either in movies or reality that stick with me, and one particular conversation was one that a doctor had with a patient that was experiencing great physical pain. I can't tell you where or when this comes from. He told the patient to breathe in, relax, and really feel the pain. That being tense and trying to avoid feeling the pain would actually hurt worse and longer than accepting you are in pain and relaxing into the pain. I have found that this advice actually works. Taking the waves of pain and sadness and breathing and relaxing and admitting that it hurts to miss someone brings intense relief for my soul. You must ride the wave of pain but be okay with getting off - don't stay in the darkness and live in the pain until the point that you can no longer come out of it. There is a time and a SEASON for everything. (Ecc 3) Don't let the pain overtake your life.
I hope to live my life that honors the memory of my Mamaw and brings glory to the God who loves me and gets me. I also hope that my pouring my heart out into this blog at least helps one person.