remind me

So it has been a while since my last post - life has been incredibly busy lately. I have missed this as it is my favorite/only outlet for all of the thoughts that are often jumbled up inside my head. I hate pulling the busyness card because it will inevitably sound like the worst excuse known to man, but it is the truth.  I have no other reason, no other excuse to offer other than busyness.  It is during these times when I forget things and must be reminded of those ideas that are of vital importance to my life.

1.  I have to remember who God is and just how big He is.  In the busyness, I get caught up in my own petty problems and forget that He is Almighty God.  I like the idea that He wants to be my friend, but I love that He is my fortress, my strong tower, and the place from which I gain strength.  You know that I LOVE Nehemiah, and I often go there when I am discouraged or grumpy from being discouraged.  So I thought I would share Nehemiah 4:14-16 with you again.

"When I saw their fear, I rose and spoke to the nobles, the officials, and the rest of the people: 'Do not be afraid of them(those people who were trying to discourage them from building the wall); remember the Lord who is great and awesome and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your houses.'"

2.  This verse also reminds me of who I am - not some weak, little pipsqueak!  I, we are called to be warriors - to fight.  The war belongs to God, but we are certainly soldiers in the battles.  I have two verses for you on this one.  Galatians 4:6 says that,

"Because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying, 'Abba! Father!'"

And 2 Timothy 1:7 tells us about this Spirit.  

"For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power, and love, and discipline."

I don't know about you, but I just love the idea that God sends His Spirit into our hearts.  Through Christ, we have access to God and His abundance - grace, mercy, comfort, strength, power, the list could go on forever.  There are days, and today is one of those when I have to pray, as Nehemiah did, "O God, strengthen my hands."

3.  Nehemiah 4 also reminds me why - why I get up every day and go to work, why I work with children.  We are fighting those battles for them, for those people God has entrusted to us.  I fight for the 20+ darlings that climb the stairs to Extended Care every day.  I fight for the 100+ boys and girls that darken the doors of the CrossPointe Kids building.  I fight for the ladies that work with me every day, and most importantly I fight for George, Joyce, Candace, Brittany, Jonathan, Madison, Wyatt, Daisy Claire, Papaw, David, Brittany, Aunt Debbie, Ben, Mallorie, the boys, and many other family members.

Maybe you are like me and need someone to say, "Remind me, who do you fight for?"

new year

Confession - I have not made a new year's resolution, and I have not even made a list of things that I want for this year.  If I am completely honest, I have not been entirely retrospective concerning 2013 because it was a tough year!  There were  times when my heart hurt as though someone had torn it out of my chest with their bare hands.  There were times when I was so exhausted, I found myself doing the minimum and going through the motions of life.  I have longed for heaven and the peace and relief it will bring.  I got so very frustrated with myself and my foolish pride, my wandering heart.  I think I learn every day a little more about the value of His grace and patience.

Do not get me wrong, there have been some wonderful times this year, but struggle seems to be theme we focused on this year.  I began this year striving for balance and quickly realized that it only takes one stumble for all those things you thought were balanced to come crashing down!  Have you ever been there?  Have you ever just needed a break from the world?   I think that is where I found myself this past year - I think I found myself going through the motions because caring meant hurting, and I didn't have time to deal with all of that.  So I kept going and going until I could not get up any more, so for most of the holidays, I did very little besides lay on the couch and be a bum.  

I think it was the best thing I could have done - you see all of the resolutions and goals don't mean anything when you can't remember why you are doing those things.  So for me, 2014 is a chance to remember why I fight, a pause to get my bearings, and an opportunity to move forward past the struggle.  I don't think I will make a resolution or a list this year, I just want to be present.

please read!

Holy cow, batman!  It has been one incredibly busy summer - incredibly busy but also incredibly rewarding! Today was our first day back at school, and it is crazy to me that we are looking forward to going back to school so things will slow down!  Who says that?  I know, it's crazy!  But more on school and all the craziness later!  I am afraid I have to get a little serious on you, for just a minute!

Not very long ago, our pastor talked about having confidence in God and in who He created you to be, your calling.  I don't think that is something you earn or work towards, I think it is something you have to tap into. I get that sounds somewhat weird, so let me explain what I am thinking.  2 Timothy 1:7 says that "God has not given us a spirit of timidity (fear), but of power and love and discipline."  That power, love, and discipline are not things that we are born with but are things that we are given through Christ being real and present in our lives!  We have to "renew our minds" as it says in Romans 12 in order to keep that line of communication open and to know the importance of that power source!

But please get this friends, power and love and discipline are not things the devil wants you to tap into.  In fact, he will do everything in his finite power to keep you afraid and discouraged.  Powerless in this battle we call life.  Tonight as I was sitting down to catch you up on the past few weeks, my heart has been heavy because life has been hard.  It was then that I realized exactly what I was feeling.  I was discouraged and afraid - have you ever felt like that?  It is probably one of the worst feelings ever!

I think back to our study on Nehemiah, aptly titled Fear and Discouragement, and Nehemiah's prayer for God to simply "strengthen my hands."  So many things were used to break down Nehemiah and the people of Israel, but Nehemiah never ceased praying or tapping into that power that could only come from God.  So tonight I am so thankful for studies done and for words of encouragement that could only come from Scripture.  It seems to help to know who the enemy is, that the war is won, and that we have the armor to fight the battles.

So as for sharing this quite deep topic.  I was once told that once you know the truth, you are held accountable for what you do with it.  I pray with ALL of my heart and soul that these words reach that soul that perhaps has tears of experience in their eyes at this point.  There is hope!  That power is there for the accessing - in His word.  It is, after all, our only piece of offensive armor given in Ephesians 6.  I also hope that once you know the Truth, you will pass it along!

message monday

I know I said that the changes would come after the new year; however, I don't like things to begin in the middle of the week. (I know, a touch OCD.)  So we begin with "Message Monday."  It is more or less self-explanatory - a message in Scripture, poetry, quotes, lyrics, etc that has stood out to me.  As it is New Year's Eve, I thought I would share this pretty quote I found on pinterest.

Have hope

Try new things

 Be active

See the good

Say, "I love you" more

Challenge yourself

Choose to be happy

Eat better

Enjoy today

Forgive more readily

Read more often

Become your best you

"For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.  Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.' "

Jeremiah 29:11-13

You may know the first verse, but my personal favorite is the last two.  He hears our prayers when we call upon Him, and we will seek and find Him when we search with all our heart.  It is so incredibly beautiful and precious to me to know that in this chaotic world that He knows the plans and that He listens.

I hope you all have a safe, happy New Year.  I pray we (myself especially) turn to God with all our heart.

Much Love,

Colie

catch my breath

Whew! I feel like I have been running these past couple of weeks at a frantic pace and nothing I need to do is getting done.  However, I am trying to take small breaks where I can and just breathe - it's difficult as I am sure most of you know.  After Christmas, it seems like the second semester starts with all gears going and doesn't stop until you wake up and realize it's time to buy the Thanksgiving Turkey again.  Okay, I digress.  I have been remiss not to share with you some of the things I have been learning lately!

A sweet friend/fellow nerd - Shelly Reid and I have been doing a Bible Study on Ezra, Nehemiah, and Esther.  Just let me tell you, it has rocked my world.  As you all know by now, the nerdy things in life and in the Bible just really excite me because sometimes it feels like God has kinda thrown in all these things just for me to try to figure out.  I know that's completely off and self-centered; however, it is nice to learn through all this study that He created me this way and understands how my head works.  Okay back to the point - the things I have learned.  There are so many, and I know I will leave some out but here it goes.

1. God stirs the heart of those He chooses to use to accomplish His goals and plans.  AND as I have found out  that person may not even know that God is the one doing that!  Don't believe me, go check out what Isaiah says about Cyrus! Blew my mind!  Don't miss this - HE STIRS YOUR HEART!  Those things that you just feel like you must do or burst could possibly be God stirring your heart!  Isn't that amazing?  

2.  When, not if, you do these things that God is stirring your heart to do you must know a few things - pray.  The past few weeks we have been in Nehemiah and throughout Nehemiah you find his prayers scattered through.  And it's not grand, lengthy prayers - it's short, one sentence like a breath out of his heart.  Also this is a big one - the enemy will try to stop you!  The enemy may take several forms but it's always the same tactics so know them and know  the Truth!  It will save you quite a bit of heartache!

3.  Oh I can't forget - Nehemiah's stirring is to rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.  Guess what, we all have walls we need to return to, to rebuild, and to restore (I borrowed that from Shelly).  Your wall effects everything - it's your faith, your prayers, knowing the Truth, everything! If that wall is not in tact then those tactics of the enemy will penetrate and possible cause some destruction.

4.  God has been stirring my heart to do something quite outside my comfort zone and big!  It's in the works as I type and you read, but I can't tell you much right now!  Hopefully I will be sharing more about this in the future!  I would appreciate your prayers!

5.  Finally, my life has been so very blessed doing this one-on-one Bible study.  I encourage you to find someone perhaps older (physically or spiritually or both) to do Bible Study with.  It's amazing how encouraging it is, AND in Titus 2 we are actually commanded to always be learning so that we may be able to teach those who are younger!

So as always I pray this encouraged you and thank you for allowing me to take a breath to organize my thoughts a little bit!  Have a wonderful day!

genius

Source: pinterest.com via nicole on Pinterest

I came across this quote on Pinterest (which I completely love), and the truth of it really hit me today maybe because I seem to always compare myself to everyone else.  In this comparison, I never really add up and end up questioning everything including who I am. This really was a big issue for me when I was younger and felt as though I was supposed to fit into a cookie-cutter mold that would never be right for me.  These days, I feel like I am pretty comfortable in the person God made me to be or at least moving towards that goal everyday.  This quote was a great reminder for me that we all have areas where we are gifted, and God made us by design for a specific purpose.  It's also quite humbling because the very things that I dislike being done to me are things that I find myself doing.  I can't expect people to have the same strengths that I do and fault them when they don't do things the way I think they should be done.

I have been studying Psalm 139 for my sunday school lesson tomorrow, and the similar themes stuck with me today.  Its nice to reminded that He knows me inside out, there is no place I find myself that He is not there with me, I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and that He will search me for anything offensive to Him and forgive my offenses.   Oh thank God, He forgives my offenses as they are numerous.  I consider myself a relatively creative person, and I love that the God of the universe is creative in how He designs and makes everyone and everything.  We are all created in His image, and I believe that we all have certain aspects of His character and attributes.  So remember that when you think no one understands you and you don't measure up - He created you to be exactly who you are!

sanctuary

So the idea of "seeking sanctuary" is one that has fascinated me for many years (I am a nerd, moving on)!  If you are not familiar with this idea, allow me to explain a bit.  "Seeking sanctuary" is the idea of those who are oppressed or persecuted because of political or religious beliefs seeking asylum or sanctuary in a church or a country offering asylum.  Some countries, including our own, still offer asylum or a safe place for those who are refugees, but seeking sanctuary was most prominent in Medieval Europe.  Many churches had a "sanctuary ring" on the doors to be allowed into the church.  I am not exactly sure why this has fascinated me for so long, but I have always felt safe at church and liked the idea of seeking refuge in a safe place.  Now I love old churches - they are just so comforting.  In fact I kind of picture God as an old church sometimes - one that has been in the community for centuries, where the pastor knows your name and entire family history, where the interior is that incredible mix of comfort and awe, and where the hushed sound of a whisper is life-changing.

This morning our pastor talked about anxiety and how to biblically deal with anxiety!  Sometimes I think he must know what I am thinking or what I am dealing with because it hits so close to home.  But I know that is the Holy Spirit speaking through him and God knows me inside out. You should really check out the sermons - they are amazing and you can watch them here.  Anyways, he talked about Paul's exhortation and instructions to the church at Philippi in Philippians 4,  and it rocked my world.  

         ⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. ⁵Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; ⁶ do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 ⁸Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. ⁹What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. 

 Rejoice in the Lord always is not something that has come easily to me in the past.  To be really honest I kind of skipped over this part of Philippians 4 because it seemed so cliché and insincere to me because I never thought it was possible to really rejoice in the Lord always.  First of all my idea of rejoice (be happy) is completely wrong, and also my idea of God and His character was little.  A few years ago, I found myself without a teaching job and without anything else to tell me who I was.  I was lost.  I was disappointed with God and my faith.  I thought I had done something wrong in the formula of me + follow rules = God adhering to my plan and needed to start over.  I had no idea where to go next.  But in the midst of my pain and grief there came a quiet voice saying “be still.”  So I began to listen and out of the stillness came love and grace.  The God of the Universe was pursuing me and wanted me to know Him and His character.  He wanted to be my everything.  So I began with getting to know Him – Kay Arthur’s study of God’s names will rock your world – I am proof.  And through knowing God, I learned how to worship God where I am, to align my plan with His, and to find joy in His presence even when things are not going my way.

This idea of finding sanctuary in a church – the church would be a refuge, a safe place for those who were oppressed.   I feel like I have found that idea of sanctuary in truth, a firm foundation in knowing more about God’s character.  My sanctuary is God – He is my safe place and my refuge!           

a crock pot, a recipe, and pinterest

Okay so Candace and I are horrible about going through a drive-thru on our way home from work.  And really after taking care of children all day, who really wants to come home and fix dinner?  Besides eating out getting really old really fast, the food is terrible for you, so we have been trying to cook more at home.  The one thing that has been a life-saver is the crock pot - it's not just for Rotel or your grandmother.  Last week, we put beef tips, potatoes, onions, bell pepper, and 1/2 cup Dale's Steak seasoning in it and had a feast when we came home from work!  Tonight I put 6 chicken tenders, 1/2 a bell pepper, 3 tbsp butter, 1 part chicken stock, 1 part water, a dash of salt, a dash of Tony Chachere's and poultry seasoning, and we added some mashed potatoes and called it dinner!  It was amazing, and our house smelled like yummy chicken goodness when we came home tonight!  As the weather gets colder, I can't wait to do more soups and stuff in the crock pot!  It makes coming home and passing the drive-thru so much easier!

So I have discovered and fallen in love with Pinterest!  Finally a place to keep up with the all of the ideas that are floating around in my head!  Candace and I are looking to move back to Laurel, and the idea of decorating a cute little apartment makes me so excited.  The idea of moving again does not make me so excited, but it's time and we need to move!  So I created a board with ideas that I would love to do in the Apartment, and I will link it so you can see! Check it out!  I have a few other boards on there as well, but I have not dedicated as much attention to them as of right now!  Below is a cute little kitchen that makes use of typically wasted space!

Source: designspongeonline.com via nicole on Pinterest

Lately I don't know exactly what it is but I have been so very distracted by life and everything in it that I have neglected my personal Bible study time - I like to call it an un-quiet time.  I have missed my un-quiet time and I can definitely tell when I have missed it!  My entire attitude changes, my world is upside down, and it sucks.  I am trying desperately to get back into the Word - Truth is the only thing that can change me! I am reminded of the importance of renewing our minds, and it is so very important and vital to living this life for God.  It may so very cliche but I promise this is truth!

Therefore, I urge your brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship.  And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind so that you may prove what the will of God is - which is good and acceptable and perfect.

Romans 12:1-2

Favorite Things

Okay so the past several days, I have been addicted to Spice Girls radio on Pandora because it plays all the 90's pop that takes me straight back to middle and high school!  I love this song and the video is really cute too!  So thought I would share!  Also thought I would share a list of my favorite things - because you know I love a list and I am in a really good mood!

1.  Brit is having a baby girl and naming her Daisy Claire after our Mamaw!!! I get kinda teary eyed just talking about it!  (Nothing new)
2.  We have had several places that are not typically known for their hospitality have been so very nice to us lately! Directv, Wal-Mart, Payless are among the companies that have taken care of us!
3.  The weather is perfect fall weather right now - a little chilly perfect for a cute sweater!
4.  God is teaching me so very much right now in Bible Study!
5.  I have a job that I love which is such a blessing especially when you know what its like not to have a job at all much less a job you love!

"Therefore, we exult in tribulation because we know that tribulation produces perseverance, and perseverance produces character, and character produces hope.  And it is a hope that does not disappoint because it being poured out through the love of Jesus Christ." - Romans 5:3-5

I have held onto the promises in this verse for my life's breath for the past few years, and to see it come to fruition and feel that hope that does not disappoint leaves me completely awestruck!  

Have a blessed day!

Elizabeth Elliot and "I Got This"

Okay so this week has been insanely busy and crazy and hectic and it's only Tuesday, and I didn't get to do an accessories' Monday post.  I promise to make it up to you - well the two of you who read this!

I did want to share what I have learned lately!  First a little backstory - Candace and I went to a Bible Study that one of the ladies in our church does once a month.  This is serious stuff - homework and everything!  I must be honest - the nerd that I am was a little excited about the homework.  I like researching and getting into things on my own.  I have a theory that you truly can't "own" something until you have wrestled with it and gotten your hands dirty.  By owning something I just mean taking a little piece of information and studying it and forming your own opinions and your own response to this information.  So everyone was given a few words/phrases to look up and wrestle with, and then each of us were given a different Christian woman to "google."  I must admit that google is my obsession - you can find everything there!

So one of our phrases/ideas to study was the Sovereignty of God.  Now I am a nerd, but I will never understand completely every idea in the Bible.  However, that does not mean I am going to sit idly by and say it is too difficult.  Shelly gave us a list of verses that deal with what God is Sovereign over.  **This is a little free tidbit, sovereign means that God is "Most High" - most high over what you might ask.  Well... maybe you should google or ask Shelly for her favorite handouts!** Anyway one of the verses was Luke 12:6-7 which tells us that God holds that sparrows in flight and knows the number of hairs on our heads therefore we are not to fear because we are more valuable than sparrows.  (Love this) I like to call this little nugget and the idea of God's Sovereignty the "I GOT THIS" idea because I kind of feel like this is one of those messages that He knows I need sometimes.  I like plans, and I like to know the plans, and sometimes most of the time I like to make the plans especially if the plans pertain to me and my life.  So yeah that whole idea of surrender - I struggle with it. Front Street.  So I kind of have this scene in my head where I approach this male person with my plans as to how my life should go - to which He turns His head and tells me, "I got this!"  Every book I read plays out like a movie in my head so naturally this happens when I read the Bible, but when I read certain parts of the Bible I kind of take it into my life and language like a conversation between me and God.  It helps - try it.

The Christian lady I was assigned to google and get to know was Elizabeth Elliot - knew her story but not much else!  So I googled her and what pops up but a list of quotes - one of my favorite things!  And she obviously understood the "I got this" idea a little much better than me and was able to apply it practically to her life as her life is fascinating and tragic yet hopeful and joyful.  I thought I would leave you with a couple of her quotes ( I must say she is pretty high on my list right now)

"The fact that I am a woman does not make me a different kind of christian, but the fact that I am a Christian makes me a different kind of woman."

"If my life is surrendered to God, all is well.  Let me not grab it back, as though it were in peril but would be safer in mine." --"I Got This!"

discoveries

Tonight we had a great night at church with the youth.  Chad spoke just as he does every wednesday night - its really good so you should definitely come.  But that's really not the point because tonight Chad brought up something that completely astounded me.  We were talking about Jesus walking on water and Peter leaving the boat, walking on water, and "seeing the wind" at which time Peter began to sink.  I had never really thought about the fact that Jesus helped Peter up, and the two of them walked back to the boat side by side. (Thanks Chad)  Sometimes... okay most of the time, I get caught up in the constant reminder of just how imperfect I am.  I hate to fail, and yet failing is the one thing I never have to worry about being consistent at.  I do find hope in the fact that Peter, one of Jesus' disciples failed quite a bit in Scripture and still wrote part of what we consider Scripture and is still a major figure in Christian history.  Based on Peter's many examples, we can fail and get past it. Hello, rocking my little world right now.

The big deal to me was the getting back up and continuing side by side with Jesus.  Two reasons this rocked my world -
1. I tend to try to do everything without asking for help which is most often when I fail.  I have learned recently from experience that life is so much sweeter when you walk side by side with Jesus.  Accepting that I have fallen, I reach for His hand and ask that He lead me and "make my paths straight."(Psalm 3:5-6)
2. I love a good "phoenix" story - you know getting up after you have fallen and making something of yourself.  I also know that I have been there, there being flat on my face with nowhere to go but to God.  It was there that He met me with arms outstretched offering love and grace instead of hate and "I told you so."  It was also there that He picked me up and made something of me. In Isaiah 62, God calls His church Hepzhibah which means "my delight is in you."  I heard Him tell me that I am His (Is 43) and that He has me inscribed in the palm of His hand.(Is 49)

For most of my life, I heard people saying that God should be and can be your everything, that He loves you, wants you to love Him in return, desires relationship, and longs to woo you to Himself.  I also heard people say that to know Him you must know His character.  Which it sounds almost elementary to me now because "duh" you have to know someone to love them.  I began by simply saying that I wanted Him to be my everything.  I have believed in Jesus for a very long time, but never really understood what all of this really looked in my life.  I then asked Him to reveal Himself to me that I may know Him, and I began a Bible study designed specifically for that.  I wanted to fall in love with Jesus so I began to seek Him.  Can I tell you that I fell more in love everyday.  It was amazing to me that He really did pursue me and love me.  He is our Shepherd, our Lord, our El Shaddai - which is not just a slightly weird song.  El Shaddai literally means "motherly."  Nobody loves you like a mama except God because that is part of His character.  I get so excited when I think about this so I will stop now or I will write an even longer book.  (It's just awesome though!!!)  While we were at youth camp with the girls, I realized that I would rather have this life with Jesus than any amount of money or any job or any amount of security.  You can read more in depth about that discovery here.

All of this to say that how you live - your actions and reactions are choices.  You have the choice to be the victim type that never gets out of the water after sinking or you can reach for His hand, get up, and walk side by side with Him.  Also, you want to walk side by side with Him because He loves you unconditionally forever no matter what AMEN!  That peace that passes all understanding really does pass all understanding and comprehension.  It's difficult to explain - it's just something you know. 

i am home

Yesterday I renamed the blog - its now "A Daisy Today" and here is why.

After my Mamaw (Daisy) passed, my mom, my sisters, my dad, and I would find ourselves thinking about the good times we had with Mamaw, the funny things she used to say, and all the things she loved - cooking, sewing, creating, family.  We started calling these things - "A Daisy A Day."  Little happy moments and memories that made us feel closer to the one we loved which we would share with each other or remind each other of during particularly difficult times.  That is what our business is all about - sharing Mamaw's love and legacy with the world through a medium of creating things that make us smile.  Just as an apple a day keeps the doctor away, so a daisy a day keeps sadness at bay.  So this blog is now dedicated to sharing with you little "daisies" that have shaped us as they happen. I can't tell you these will always be sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns, but it will be something that is meaningful and important to me.

So I recently found this artist whose music seems to be unwritten heartbeats to my soul.  Her name is Christina Perri.  You may know her song - "Jar of Hearts."  It's completely amazing!  Her newest single out is called "Arms" and I thought I would share the lyrics with you because they are beautiful and pretty much sum up what I think love looks like for me.  Home is where ever you are loved and feel safe to be exactly who you are.  This is something that I must say that I am blessed with from my parents but also from God.  Knowing Him and how much He loves us has completely opened my heart and changed my perspective on myself and everything else under the sun!  Now this song is not a "Christian" song but it just summarizes how I am feeling right now.


"ARMS"
I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

You put your arms around me

And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
You put your arms around me and I'm home

How many times will let you me change my mind and turn around
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved
I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone

You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth
And I've never opened up
I've never truly loved 'Till you put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go


I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

You put your arms around me and I'm home

truth, honesty, integrity

Every now and then, I get somewhat caught up in my own thoughts which would quite interesting if you could be in head and see the path that the thoughts take. Let’s just say that my thought process is a little off from everyone else’s, but that’s okay. So anyways, most of these thoughts are reflective thoughts – what I would change if I could, what haunts my memories, and the very few times when I say and do exactly what I mean to say and do. It is in these times of reflection that I am most often caught off guard and completely amazed by how awesome God is. Today I was called out on some of my crap. But not like someone pointing out flaws just to make you feel like crap, instead it was done in a “Godly” and kind manner. Now some of you may not be seeing the connection between being called out and God’s complete awesomeness, but bear with me, I am getting to that part.


The completely awesome part was that my heart and my attitude were prepared for such an event. I have been studying the names of God through a wonderful Kay Arthur study called Lord, I Want To Know You that takes you through the names of God in order to learn about the character of God as each name depicts a specific character trait, and it is one of the best studies I have ever done. (Soap Box moment – I love Kay Arthur because it is an insanely effective mixture of truth and grace, studying the Word and difficult life-altering questions.) Off the soap box for now, but the past few days I have been learning about “Jehovah-rapha” which means God our Healer. This lesson opened me up to some of the things that needed healing in my heart and my life. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem and there is a reason so many people never fully recover – they never admit they have a problem because it can be excruciating. But that is my process right now – admitting problem areas and receiving healing. And if admitting problems is difficult then receiving healing can be just as piercing because accepting healing means letting go of some of that pain a little more each day. It means looking and acting differently, it means releasing the crutch that has been the rationale behind every failure.

Being in this mindset means I was able to take the constructive criticism as just that and in the way it was meant – as a means of bringing it to my attention so that I can go about changing behavior. God has been doing wonders in my heart, and it is my prayer that you will be able to see all the changes. This will probably be the most difficult part as this is one of the areas I struggle with the most – letting people in enough to see -  me. I am in the process of accepting that healing for my broken heart and laying it down at Christ’s feet every day and not picking it up again. I want people to see me – the real me. The girl who is more tender-hearted than anyone really knows, who hates the idea of causing ANYONE real pain, the girl who doesn’t always feel beautiful, who never really feels like enough. I want you to see the girl who is most likely too smart for her own good, who genuinely loves to make people smile, and the girl who cares about and loves people more than I like to admit.

The meanness, the sarcasm, the attitude, all of it is my crutch – my front so that you won’t get close enough to hurt me. I suppose someone or something convinced me that I would never be enough so I decided to stop trying and built this wall that screamed I didn’t care what you thought so you wouldn’t get close enough to discover the truth. The truth is I want to love and be loved, I want to be enough, and I want to be somebody’s exception. This is me on front street with my heart wide open for all to see.

Truth Behind the Facade

I am not sure when it happened or why it happened, but it happened. Somewhere along the way I lost myself, and even though it feels like it has been forever, I feel like I am getting her back. I have made some decisions in my life that have taken me down not necessarily the most destructive path but most definitely not the RIGHT path. Reasons for taking those paths have varied from fear of everything including failure and standing alone to a misguided notion that a woman’s only place in ministry was beside a husband.


Perhaps I should back up and let you in on a little secret about me. First, I have been a Christian since I was very young, and it’s not one of those stories where you think you are “saved” but you really aren’t. At a very young age, I understood that I was a sinner and that Christ is real and His love is real. As I got older, I wanted a date to dispel the doubts that plagued me – so in high school, on July 20, 2000 to be exact, I got a date. However, when I look back to when I truly accepted Christ and He intervened in my life I automatically go back to me as a very young girl kneeling at the altar of Mount Vernon Congregational Methodist Church as my mother led me in prayer. I remember meeting with the pastor because I was so young they wanted to make sure I understood as much as a young girl could about exactly what I was doing. Okay so now that you know that part, there is also something else you should know.

For almost as long as I have been a Christian I have also known that I am different and my life was to serve some specific task. The pastor of my church called it this past Sunday a “holy dissatisfaction” – an unshakable unrest due to the knowledge that there is this task and unless you are actively in pursuit of its accomplishment you simply cannot live with yourself. I know this feeling all too well, and I must say it is as miserable as it sounds if you are not doing what you are called. That’s right, I know there is a calling on my life – something I am supposed to do with this life I have been given. There I said it, I have been called to ministry. I don’t really know what that looks like for me, and the last time I really shared this with anyone my confidante told me to wait until I was married and my ministry would be whatever my husband’s area of ministry was. At first I was angry and defiant, but then I realized that going through ministry alone was not something I really wanted to do. (I am not saying that I was right in my thinking whatsoever.) So, I took her advice and I have been sort of waiting for that person while in the meantime, I am dying inside. Overtime, I became quite adept at faking it because evidently my idea of ministry was completely wrong. I kind of felt as though the real me was stuck behind a brick wall kicking and screaming while some sci-fi, more socially acceptable, puppet version of me lived the public form of life. The scary thing is that throughout this entire process I have been growing more and more distant with God and my relationship with Him until very recently when I simply said that if I am to be content with Him, I asked that He pursue me and woo me. Can I tell you, that He did just that – in the midst of me moving away from Him, putting up walls, rebelling against Him, He loved me enough to pursue me? Looking back, He has been pursuing me all along.

So I somewhat chased a little rabbit wit that last bit, but suffice to say that I have found the old me. I am still trying to dismiss the façade, but that is taking some time as it was a very well-built façade. So now you know – I have been called to ministry and I am still in the educative process as to what that will look like exactly. I know that we as believers are all called to share our story of how Christ intervened in our lives and how His love has changed the world, but as to something more than that – yeah, still working on that. Also, the advice about waiting to do ministry until I got married might have worked if I were not 27 and single. I don’t really know what the propellers of this “ministry=marriage” theory do with women who are called and single. I mean do they sit on the bench until marriage – “sorry ma’am, no ministry for you until billy bob proposes!” That just doesn’t sit well with me or even make sense to me.

The weirdest thing that has come out of all this is the fact that through getting to know the character and person of Christ, I have rediscovered who I really am – the person He made to be. So in finding myself again, there are some things I would like to share:

1. Please don’t lie to me – Two things that I find utterly disgusting are lying and hypocrisy. I know that I am not perfect, and these two qualities are two that I can’t stand to see in myself. This post is pretty much my attempt to regain truth and authenticity in who I am.

2. I love smart comedy – anything that makes me think and laugh rocks my world. An audience is as intelligent as you allow them to be, and conversely stupid comedy bores me. Yeah not a big fan of Will Ferrel movies.

3. I am a reasonably intelligent human being who just so happens to have a voice of a five year old; however, that doesn’t mean you may speak to me as though I am a child or stupid. I am neither.

4. Whatever I do, I am passionate about – I love acting and I think it can be used in a worship setting. Also, I love history and I love knowing the historical aspects of the Bible. It makes it come alive to me. When did it become cool not to be passionate about what you love?

5. I don’t care if you disagree with, don’t like, or have a problem with anything written in the above paragraphs.