new year

Confession - I have not made a new year's resolution, and I have not even made a list of things that I want for this year.  If I am completely honest, I have not been entirely retrospective concerning 2013 because it was a tough year!  There were  times when my heart hurt as though someone had torn it out of my chest with their bare hands.  There were times when I was so exhausted, I found myself doing the minimum and going through the motions of life.  I have longed for heaven and the peace and relief it will bring.  I got so very frustrated with myself and my foolish pride, my wandering heart.  I think I learn every day a little more about the value of His grace and patience.

Do not get me wrong, there have been some wonderful times this year, but struggle seems to be theme we focused on this year.  I began this year striving for balance and quickly realized that it only takes one stumble for all those things you thought were balanced to come crashing down!  Have you ever been there?  Have you ever just needed a break from the world?   I think that is where I found myself this past year - I think I found myself going through the motions because caring meant hurting, and I didn't have time to deal with all of that.  So I kept going and going until I could not get up any more, so for most of the holidays, I did very little besides lay on the couch and be a bum.  

I think it was the best thing I could have done - you see all of the resolutions and goals don't mean anything when you can't remember why you are doing those things.  So for me, 2014 is a chance to remember why I fight, a pause to get my bearings, and an opportunity to move forward past the struggle.  I don't think I will make a resolution or a list this year, I just want to be present.

sanctuary

So the idea of "seeking sanctuary" is one that has fascinated me for many years (I am a nerd, moving on)!  If you are not familiar with this idea, allow me to explain a bit.  "Seeking sanctuary" is the idea of those who are oppressed or persecuted because of political or religious beliefs seeking asylum or sanctuary in a church or a country offering asylum.  Some countries, including our own, still offer asylum or a safe place for those who are refugees, but seeking sanctuary was most prominent in Medieval Europe.  Many churches had a "sanctuary ring" on the doors to be allowed into the church.  I am not exactly sure why this has fascinated me for so long, but I have always felt safe at church and liked the idea of seeking refuge in a safe place.  Now I love old churches - they are just so comforting.  In fact I kind of picture God as an old church sometimes - one that has been in the community for centuries, where the pastor knows your name and entire family history, where the interior is that incredible mix of comfort and awe, and where the hushed sound of a whisper is life-changing.

This morning our pastor talked about anxiety and how to biblically deal with anxiety!  Sometimes I think he must know what I am thinking or what I am dealing with because it hits so close to home.  But I know that is the Holy Spirit speaking through him and God knows me inside out. You should really check out the sermons - they are amazing and you can watch them here.  Anyways, he talked about Paul's exhortation and instructions to the church at Philippi in Philippians 4,  and it rocked my world.  

         ⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. ⁵Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; ⁶ do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 ⁸Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. ⁹What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. 

 Rejoice in the Lord always is not something that has come easily to me in the past.  To be really honest I kind of skipped over this part of Philippians 4 because it seemed so cliché and insincere to me because I never thought it was possible to really rejoice in the Lord always.  First of all my idea of rejoice (be happy) is completely wrong, and also my idea of God and His character was little.  A few years ago, I found myself without a teaching job and without anything else to tell me who I was.  I was lost.  I was disappointed with God and my faith.  I thought I had done something wrong in the formula of me + follow rules = God adhering to my plan and needed to start over.  I had no idea where to go next.  But in the midst of my pain and grief there came a quiet voice saying “be still.”  So I began to listen and out of the stillness came love and grace.  The God of the Universe was pursuing me and wanted me to know Him and His character.  He wanted to be my everything.  So I began with getting to know Him – Kay Arthur’s study of God’s names will rock your world – I am proof.  And through knowing God, I learned how to worship God where I am, to align my plan with His, and to find joy in His presence even when things are not going my way.

This idea of finding sanctuary in a church – the church would be a refuge, a safe place for those who were oppressed.   I feel like I have found that idea of sanctuary in truth, a firm foundation in knowing more about God’s character.  My sanctuary is God – He is my safe place and my refuge!           

a girl and a unicorn

Okay so the past two weeks have been so very busy as it seems that everything is happening at the same time! But during this time, I found a little inspiration from two of my favorite shows - "Glee" and "The New Girl."  Last week's episode of Glee was titled "I Am Unicorn"! I won't give too much away because you need to watch it, but one of the characters gives the other one a pep talk which begins the phrase "you are a unicorn."  (Paraphrasing here)  I know what you are thinking, no one wants to be called a unicorn - it's a little weird, but hang with me for a minute.  This character goes on to say that a unicorn is something or someone with magic inside them that is not afraid to let it out as a unicorn without that one horn is just a horse like every other horse.  I think we all have something special or magic or whatever inside of us, but we are afraid for whatever reason to let the magic be seen.
Last night, we were watching "The New Girl" with Zooey Deschanel whom I absolutely adore.  Anyway, Zooey's character Jess is asked by her roommates to suppress who is she is in order to be a date for one of them to a wedding and make the ex jealous.  Now Jess is usually completely original and goofy, and the suppression only lasted a little while.  At the end of the show, Jess tells her roommates that she is and will be exactly who she is!  She let her magic and personality be seen - she is a unicorn.
So often, some sort of idea on television will strike a chord with me and I end up dwelling on these things. Just a little heads up, that is exactly what happened with this which will hopefully make sense to someone else out there!  I suppose my first thought was "would people see me as a unicorn" to which my initial response was no, and if no then why not.  After some searching, I think I may have something of an answer.  When I was in eighth grade, my favorite teacher told the class that we did not need to tell people how smart we are because then people will expect too much from you.  Now I don't know the context of why she said this, and I adore this teacher because most of the things she said still have a profoundly positive effect on me today.  However, I think this may have had a profoundly negative effect on the girl I was in eighth grade.  I think this along with many insecurities and the hostile environment known as middle and high school began a long process of suppressing who I really am. I am a nerd, school always came easy to me - I like to study and find out new things and I like to share what I find.  Not in a snobby, i-know-this-and-you-don't kind of way but I-know-this-and-you-should-to way!  So for someone to say that I needed to keep this in sent a powerful message to me at a young age, but as I have grown up and become more aware of the person God made me to be, my ideal has changed.
I believe that God made us all unique with a specific purpose to fulfill.  I also believe that we all have some kind of magic or story inside of us that if we let it show makes us all  unicorns.  But we have let it out, don't keep it all in.  Be that unicorn and be proud of who God made you to be.  Don't keep the magic inside and be content to look like the cookie-cutter expectation that society throws at you!  I believe that the only people who have ever changed the world were unicorns in their own way - people with magic inside them that were not afraid to let it show! 

discoveries

Tonight we had a great night at church with the youth.  Chad spoke just as he does every wednesday night - its really good so you should definitely come.  But that's really not the point because tonight Chad brought up something that completely astounded me.  We were talking about Jesus walking on water and Peter leaving the boat, walking on water, and "seeing the wind" at which time Peter began to sink.  I had never really thought about the fact that Jesus helped Peter up, and the two of them walked back to the boat side by side. (Thanks Chad)  Sometimes... okay most of the time, I get caught up in the constant reminder of just how imperfect I am.  I hate to fail, and yet failing is the one thing I never have to worry about being consistent at.  I do find hope in the fact that Peter, one of Jesus' disciples failed quite a bit in Scripture and still wrote part of what we consider Scripture and is still a major figure in Christian history.  Based on Peter's many examples, we can fail and get past it. Hello, rocking my little world right now.

The big deal to me was the getting back up and continuing side by side with Jesus.  Two reasons this rocked my world -
1. I tend to try to do everything without asking for help which is most often when I fail.  I have learned recently from experience that life is so much sweeter when you walk side by side with Jesus.  Accepting that I have fallen, I reach for His hand and ask that He lead me and "make my paths straight."(Psalm 3:5-6)
2. I love a good "phoenix" story - you know getting up after you have fallen and making something of yourself.  I also know that I have been there, there being flat on my face with nowhere to go but to God.  It was there that He met me with arms outstretched offering love and grace instead of hate and "I told you so."  It was also there that He picked me up and made something of me. In Isaiah 62, God calls His church Hepzhibah which means "my delight is in you."  I heard Him tell me that I am His (Is 43) and that He has me inscribed in the palm of His hand.(Is 49)

For most of my life, I heard people saying that God should be and can be your everything, that He loves you, wants you to love Him in return, desires relationship, and longs to woo you to Himself.  I also heard people say that to know Him you must know His character.  Which it sounds almost elementary to me now because "duh" you have to know someone to love them.  I began by simply saying that I wanted Him to be my everything.  I have believed in Jesus for a very long time, but never really understood what all of this really looked in my life.  I then asked Him to reveal Himself to me that I may know Him, and I began a Bible study designed specifically for that.  I wanted to fall in love with Jesus so I began to seek Him.  Can I tell you that I fell more in love everyday.  It was amazing to me that He really did pursue me and love me.  He is our Shepherd, our Lord, our El Shaddai - which is not just a slightly weird song.  El Shaddai literally means "motherly."  Nobody loves you like a mama except God because that is part of His character.  I get so excited when I think about this so I will stop now or I will write an even longer book.  (It's just awesome though!!!)  While we were at youth camp with the girls, I realized that I would rather have this life with Jesus than any amount of money or any job or any amount of security.  You can read more in depth about that discovery here.

All of this to say that how you live - your actions and reactions are choices.  You have the choice to be the victim type that never gets out of the water after sinking or you can reach for His hand, get up, and walk side by side with Him.  Also, you want to walk side by side with Him because He loves you unconditionally forever no matter what AMEN!  That peace that passes all understanding really does pass all understanding and comprehension.  It's difficult to explain - it's just something you know. 

understanding

It seems to that recently I have been to the funeral home much more than usual which is quite a bit considering I work/live in a florist and funerals are an inevitable aspect of selling flowers.  I have been involved in the florist world for about two and half years and in doing so you become apt at distancing yourself from the painful aspects of a funeral and concentrate on producing the best arrangements you can.  However, all of this goes out the window when the call comes into the florist for someone you know and much more so when you were friends with the deceased.  I know this sounds so incredibly morbid and horribly cold, but if you dwell on where the majority of the flower arrangements go then you will become severely depressed. 

Anyways, back to the point of this blog - last week a very good friend of mine was killed in a work-related accident.  He was a year-to-the-date older than me which when he was dating my best friend in high school really irked me.  Hello, it was my birthday too!  Him, his brother Eric, me, my sisters, my best friend - Tosha, and her sisters made up much of the youth group, and in a way we became family.  Much of the time that we were not in school, we all spent together which led to just as much fighting and arguing as hugging.  So much of my high school experience is filled with memories of these people.  We were the type of friends that we could fight and argue one minute and be making up the next - but just like many other stories, time moved on, we grew up, went our seperate ways, and lost touch.   One fact that I must say I am sorry to admit because getting the phone call that he had been killed was very much like getting punched in the gut.  You always say that one day you are all going to get together again and catch up, and then something happens and getting all the group together is no longer possible. 

Its these kinds of things - when someone so young is taken from this world so unexpectedly - that I have a problem understanding and finding peace with.  I know in my head that no matter what God is good and has a plan; however, that's really difficult to come to tell my heart during these times.  It just does not make sense at all to me, and it really breaks my heart in a way that words that can't express.  Not only for that lost connection but my heart breaks for the family who are on the front line of this battle to find peace in the situation.

It is during these times that I must seek God's presence and completely rely on His strength because my own has never and will never hold up under the extreme pressure of dark days that threaten to take you under.  I find myself re-reading some of the same verses - some of which I will share with you.

"But He said to me, my grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefor, I will boast all the more gladly of weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~2 Corinthians 12:9-10

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.  But in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths." ~ Proverbs 3:5-6