new year

Confession - I have not made a new year's resolution, and I have not even made a list of things that I want for this year.  If I am completely honest, I have not been entirely retrospective concerning 2013 because it was a tough year!  There were  times when my heart hurt as though someone had torn it out of my chest with their bare hands.  There were times when I was so exhausted, I found myself doing the minimum and going through the motions of life.  I have longed for heaven and the peace and relief it will bring.  I got so very frustrated with myself and my foolish pride, my wandering heart.  I think I learn every day a little more about the value of His grace and patience.

Do not get me wrong, there have been some wonderful times this year, but struggle seems to be theme we focused on this year.  I began this year striving for balance and quickly realized that it only takes one stumble for all those things you thought were balanced to come crashing down!  Have you ever been there?  Have you ever just needed a break from the world?   I think that is where I found myself this past year - I think I found myself going through the motions because caring meant hurting, and I didn't have time to deal with all of that.  So I kept going and going until I could not get up any more, so for most of the holidays, I did very little besides lay on the couch and be a bum.  

I think it was the best thing I could have done - you see all of the resolutions and goals don't mean anything when you can't remember why you are doing those things.  So for me, 2014 is a chance to remember why I fight, a pause to get my bearings, and an opportunity to move forward past the struggle.  I don't think I will make a resolution or a list this year, I just want to be present.

burdens

Friday night, I was checking Facebook on my phone as I do most every night before I go to sleep, but Friday night was a little different.  First, I see so many of the youth from our church asking for prayer for a brother and sister who were involved in a horrific car accident.  I realized that I did not know the siblings, but my heart still broke for the family and for my kids in the youth that were facing the possible loss of a classmate.  My mind immediately took me to the day of my junior year in high school... come to think of it, it was the first week of October 2000 when one of my classmates passed in a car accident.  I remember being slightly lost and overwhelmed at the loss of someone I saw every day and had spoken to earlier in the day.  For as long as I can remember, sadness and loss touch me to my very core.

It is in times like these, that I want to question God's plan.  I know that He is good and that His goodness does not change due to my or anyone else's circumstances; however, at the same time I don't understand where tragic accidents, parents burying children, and children growing up without parents fit into that.  I really hate the idea of death taking people we love from us, and the injustice is increased as I know that death is not a villain I can defeat.  And in the midst of tragic loss, knowing that you will see them again if both of you are believers is not nearly the comfort it will be when your head stops hurting from crying and your senses return to you.  At the same time, know that there will be a time when your head stops hurting and your senses return to you.  It does get better.  God is good, and He is in control.

I do not personally know the McGill family, but I do know loss and I know God.  I have such a burden for the family and friends of this precious family, and they are in my prayers.  I pray ultimately for a miracle for Angelica and strength, comfort, and peace for her family and friends!

understanding

It seems to that recently I have been to the funeral home much more than usual which is quite a bit considering I work/live in a florist and funerals are an inevitable aspect of selling flowers.  I have been involved in the florist world for about two and half years and in doing so you become apt at distancing yourself from the painful aspects of a funeral and concentrate on producing the best arrangements you can.  However, all of this goes out the window when the call comes into the florist for someone you know and much more so when you were friends with the deceased.  I know this sounds so incredibly morbid and horribly cold, but if you dwell on where the majority of the flower arrangements go then you will become severely depressed. 

Anyways, back to the point of this blog - last week a very good friend of mine was killed in a work-related accident.  He was a year-to-the-date older than me which when he was dating my best friend in high school really irked me.  Hello, it was my birthday too!  Him, his brother Eric, me, my sisters, my best friend - Tosha, and her sisters made up much of the youth group, and in a way we became family.  Much of the time that we were not in school, we all spent together which led to just as much fighting and arguing as hugging.  So much of my high school experience is filled with memories of these people.  We were the type of friends that we could fight and argue one minute and be making up the next - but just like many other stories, time moved on, we grew up, went our seperate ways, and lost touch.   One fact that I must say I am sorry to admit because getting the phone call that he had been killed was very much like getting punched in the gut.  You always say that one day you are all going to get together again and catch up, and then something happens and getting all the group together is no longer possible. 

Its these kinds of things - when someone so young is taken from this world so unexpectedly - that I have a problem understanding and finding peace with.  I know in my head that no matter what God is good and has a plan; however, that's really difficult to come to tell my heart during these times.  It just does not make sense at all to me, and it really breaks my heart in a way that words that can't express.  Not only for that lost connection but my heart breaks for the family who are on the front line of this battle to find peace in the situation.

It is during these times that I must seek God's presence and completely rely on His strength because my own has never and will never hold up under the extreme pressure of dark days that threaten to take you under.  I find myself re-reading some of the same verses - some of which I will share with you.

"But He said to me, my grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefor, I will boast all the more gladly of weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~2 Corinthians 12:9-10

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.  But in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths." ~ Proverbs 3:5-6