My Story - part one

If I am honest, I have been ready to tell this story for a few weeks, but I have struggled with how to tell you this story.  I think the lessons I have learned through this story are sometimes drowned out by the serious, frightening logistical details of the story.  My prayer is that through telling it this way, you will see the amazingly powerful Hand of God active and alive in my story.

I read somewhere that even Judas was part of the plan.  God used the betrayal of a friend that led to death on the cross to redeem us, and I have to believe that He uses the very worst of our circumstances to redeem and sanctify us.  We don't get to see His Hand in the moment, but it can become apparent in hindsight.  In the book Esther when the Jewish people were threatened, Mordecai tells Esther that perhaps she was queen "for such a time as this."  God put things into motion long before Esther was even thought of.

 Maybe, just maybe God had aligned things in my life to lead to this place, to share this story with you.  It began with a job relocation - teaching in Smith County.  That's right, teaching.  Can we say dream fulfilled?But with every dream comes sacrifices, namely a 35 minute drive from my home in Jones County.  A new car helped with the gas mileage - it was a Chevy Cruze and beautiful.  I loved my car and my job - I was pretty much a happy Beaty girl.

Next came the wedding - Candace (sister/best buddy/roommate) and Brent (then fiance/now husband/awesome man) were getting married which allowed me  to consider moving closer to my job.  Through Facebook and some helpful hints, I found the cutest little 3 bedroom house right over the Smith county line and an entire 7 minutes from work.  It was perfect - Candace and I made arrangements to move just a month before the wedding.  I was excited to be a country mouse with space after many years in the city in an apartment building with people surrounding you ALL THE TIME. The front yard has one of the most amazing views of the night sky.  Through this time, God began leading me through Psalms.  It felt like He was breathing new life and fresh air and love into my soul.

I felt safe and secure - life was beautiful.

About two weeks into living in my new, super cute, country house, I was home alone on a Thursday night which in and of itself is something of a unicorn.  We usually have Thursday night dinner as a family, but Dad had diabetic class so we moved it to a different night.  Because we had a free night, Candace and Brent were working on their home as the wedding was just weeks away.  A night at home alone to watch TV, relax, regroup was particularly appealing to me.  If you know me at all, you know that I quite enjoy my alone time.

It was this night, at home, alone when all of my safety and securtiy and beauty went straight through the bedroom window.  Coincidentally, it was the same bedroom window that the police believe to be the entry point for the strange man who came into my home with a gun and kidnapped me.  This man became the Judas in my story - it led to the biggest change in my life which felt very much like a death of something. For a long time, I was angry at this man that obliterated my security, and I still have moments of anger when something scares me.  However, these moments don't last long when I return to my plum line of God's word and realize that it was His Hand and His Plan that led me to that moment and brought me safely through.  But that's the next part of this story...

love and work

On Friday May 10th, our Uncle Allen Sharp left this world quite unexpectedly leaving a gaping hole in the fabric of our family.  The days following went by quickly, were filled with many faces asking for answers, and left us feeling achy, hazy.  I remember bits of pieces of those days...

To be quite frank, I have no great words of wisdom or answers to the questions we all feel after an event like this.  All I can tell you is that it sucks - probably the most difficult experience of my life.  I am pretty sure I went through all 7 steps of grief in the first five minutes and have continued to grow through them in each and every five minutes following.

So instead of some quaint offering that would only act as a band-aid for the pain, I thought I would share some of the lessons I learned from my Uncle Allen.

1.  Love - love your spouse, your family, and those friends who think they're family!  My uncle loved his wife - how many construction-type men do you know that willingly go shoe shopping with their wife just to spend time with them?  That's love in my book!  He was a man who was taught to do everything to the best of his ability, and that standard was not compartmentalized into work.  He was also insanely loyal and generous to his friends and family!

2.  Work - if you are able, you should work and work hard.  Like I said, no half-hearted, piss-poor job would satisfy him.  Do it right the first time - don't cut corners and take the simplified, coward's way out.  He had a low tolerance for ignorance also.  If you don't know how to do something, then ask someone who does!  Uncle Allen was the type of person who could do anything he set his mind to, and he could get almost anyone to do exactly what he wanted to do.  Candace and I joked about him being in the mafia - if you wanted something done, you went to Uncle Allen.

I know that is only two lessons, but I think those are the two things he did really well.  I also think that if we can strive to do those things well, then we will have lived a good life at the end.  I don't know why or pretend to understand why God chose that particular Friday, but I have to hold tight to what I know of God - that He is good, that He has a plan.  Even if parts of that plan make me angry.  Not so much angry with God, but angry that death exists at all.  Times like this make me long for God's promises of no more tears and no more death.

Finally, the lesson I learned more through his death than his life.  Life is fleeting, much too short to hold a grudge.  Those things that we were angry about on Thursday didn't really matter Friday morning and should not matter in the weeks and months  to follow.  Sometimes, I think tragic events can be the very thing needed to shake us from our stubborn complacency and help us see that now is the time to forgive.  You cannot do anything about yesterday, and tomorrow is not promised.  So love the people God has placed in your life and do the job He has entrusted you with today!

fear

"I am afraid."  "I am scared to death."  "(Insert obscenity often screamed out when someone scares you!)"

These are phrases I must admit I hear come out of my own mouth more often that I would like.  Fear or uncertainty is one thing that has been a constant struggle for me for a very long time.  Many things frighten me - severe weather, not falling in love, taking chances, falling in love, the words - "we need to talk," cancer, failure, and the unknown - only to name a few.  As you can see fear is a big part of my life.  I don't think I have ever really liked the fact that I am so easily frightened, but I never really grasped that this might be a big deal to how my life goes and the story of my life for God.

Not until recently that is...

For the past 13ish weeks I have been working on a Bible study named How to Overcome Fear and Discouragement by Kay Arthur - a title I must admit that I really just read and let sink in.  The only thing that really interested me was that it covered the books of Ezra, Nehemiah, and Esther.  The nerd in me adored the history involved in those books, but I never would have guessed that this study would penetrate to a level of a deep  stronghold in my life.

These books give a detailed account of the things the enemy will do to keep you afraid and discouraged.  Get this - the devil will go to some extreme lengths to keep you down and inactive.  Gossip, slander, physical threats - even spending money are all tactics.  Right along side of these accounts of the tactics are the detailed accounts of men and women standing confident in their God to do what He has "stirred in their heart" or "put in their heart" to do.  I have read 2 Timothy 1:7 many times, but after doing this study it has really come alive to me -

For God has not given us a  spirit of timidity but of power and love and discipline.

Isn't it amazing - God doesn't want us to be afraid.  He wants to have a spirit of power, love, and discipline.  Now I know that you are wondering where can this girl who has been so very fearful of everything under the sun find a spirit of power, love, and discipline.  Well, God gives us that spirit, and I must admit I am still processing how to receive that spirit on a day-to-day, minute-to-minute basis.  The past few days have been quite challenging for me on this end as things have not really went the way I want them to go.  In comes the second part of that title - discouragement.  If I am not afraid at the time, then chances are I am discouraged.  Discouragement is something I am so quite familiar with - we are practically family at this point.  That came to play the past few days as well.  I just love hearing that someone thinks I can't handle something, don't you?  But that is exactly how Satan wants us to feel - afraid to take that step of faith and that really we can't do what God expects us to do.    

Fear and discouragement can keep us sidelined - on the bench for too much of the game.  God has a plan and a purpose that He probably put into place decades before we were even thought of, and anytime spent on the bench is time that I and perhaps you are not bringing glory to God.  Now that just makes me angry - not sure if that is the case with you.  Anytime I feel like someone other than God is trying to control me and tell me I can't, I become much more determined to do exactly what it is that God has "put into my heart" and what the skeptics tell me I can't do.

So, I suppose this blog is a reminder for me of the things I have learned and a push to apply these truths in my life.  Each day I must claim the promise that God gives me a spirit of power and love and discipline.  I hope that you do the same, and that we bring glory to God with our lives.

burdens

Friday night, I was checking Facebook on my phone as I do most every night before I go to sleep, but Friday night was a little different.  First, I see so many of the youth from our church asking for prayer for a brother and sister who were involved in a horrific car accident.  I realized that I did not know the siblings, but my heart still broke for the family and for my kids in the youth that were facing the possible loss of a classmate.  My mind immediately took me to the day of my junior year in high school... come to think of it, it was the first week of October 2000 when one of my classmates passed in a car accident.  I remember being slightly lost and overwhelmed at the loss of someone I saw every day and had spoken to earlier in the day.  For as long as I can remember, sadness and loss touch me to my very core.

It is in times like these, that I want to question God's plan.  I know that He is good and that His goodness does not change due to my or anyone else's circumstances; however, at the same time I don't understand where tragic accidents, parents burying children, and children growing up without parents fit into that.  I really hate the idea of death taking people we love from us, and the injustice is increased as I know that death is not a villain I can defeat.  And in the midst of tragic loss, knowing that you will see them again if both of you are believers is not nearly the comfort it will be when your head stops hurting from crying and your senses return to you.  At the same time, know that there will be a time when your head stops hurting and your senses return to you.  It does get better.  God is good, and He is in control.

I do not personally know the McGill family, but I do know loss and I know God.  I have such a burden for the family and friends of this precious family, and they are in my prayers.  I pray ultimately for a miracle for Angelica and strength, comfort, and peace for her family and friends!

reflection

Okay, so yesterday I was in a crappy mood, and as I believe in sharing, everyone knew I was in a crappy mood.  I was mean, sarcastic, and pretty much the worst version of myself.  It was not pretty at all.  Well to recover from the B!+*#% attitude I had, I stayed home by myself last night while Candace went to church.  Just as she was pulling out of the driveway to give me my time alone, the weather went south and I found myself wishing I was no longer by myself.  Isn't life always that way? We finally get what we want and we realize we don't want it anymore.  But I digress.  It wasn't long before it stopped thundering and lightning (Bipolar Southern Summer Weather), and I began to decompress and unwind.  I can't tell you why I chose yesterday to tap into the inner 7th grade girl, but a little alone time seemed just the trick to cure me of that.

So first and foremost, I am sorry for yesterday.  Second, I was perusing a blog that I recently found and love written by a very talented local business-woman and stumbled upon this post. It was the wake-up call/slap in the face I needed and deserved after yesterday.  I began to think not about this mood, but about what I am thankful for and the good things that have happened lately.  I was quickly humbled and embarrassed.  So I wanted to leave you with a few things that remind me not to be witchy.

* My family is amazing - I have the best parents in the world that are a continual blessing. They literally rock!
* Candace - my sister and business partner who is also my best friend.  Her talent continues to astonish me.
* A Daisy A Day - the business feels like a blessing God just dropped into our lives that allows us to be creative and make a little money as well!
* Mona Lisa's Boutique - the business we work in and live in the back that lets us pay rent and eat (the rent is ridiculously inexpensive!!!)  And Mona, the owner, is one of our best friends.
*Our church - CrossPointe Community Church!!! Such a healing place that allows us to be exactly who are - no masks, no facades.  It's amazing!  If you don't have a church home, come check us out!

I could go on and on and on, but I will stop for now!  I hope you all have a great, non-B!+*#Y day!

Much love!