new year

Confession - I have not made a new year's resolution, and I have not even made a list of things that I want for this year.  If I am completely honest, I have not been entirely retrospective concerning 2013 because it was a tough year!  There were  times when my heart hurt as though someone had torn it out of my chest with their bare hands.  There were times when I was so exhausted, I found myself doing the minimum and going through the motions of life.  I have longed for heaven and the peace and relief it will bring.  I got so very frustrated with myself and my foolish pride, my wandering heart.  I think I learn every day a little more about the value of His grace and patience.

Do not get me wrong, there have been some wonderful times this year, but struggle seems to be theme we focused on this year.  I began this year striving for balance and quickly realized that it only takes one stumble for all those things you thought were balanced to come crashing down!  Have you ever been there?  Have you ever just needed a break from the world?   I think that is where I found myself this past year - I think I found myself going through the motions because caring meant hurting, and I didn't have time to deal with all of that.  So I kept going and going until I could not get up any more, so for most of the holidays, I did very little besides lay on the couch and be a bum.  

I think it was the best thing I could have done - you see all of the resolutions and goals don't mean anything when you can't remember why you are doing those things.  So for me, 2014 is a chance to remember why I fight, a pause to get my bearings, and an opportunity to move forward past the struggle.  I don't think I will make a resolution or a list this year, I just want to be present.

please read!

Holy cow, batman!  It has been one incredibly busy summer - incredibly busy but also incredibly rewarding! Today was our first day back at school, and it is crazy to me that we are looking forward to going back to school so things will slow down!  Who says that?  I know, it's crazy!  But more on school and all the craziness later!  I am afraid I have to get a little serious on you, for just a minute!

Not very long ago, our pastor talked about having confidence in God and in who He created you to be, your calling.  I don't think that is something you earn or work towards, I think it is something you have to tap into. I get that sounds somewhat weird, so let me explain what I am thinking.  2 Timothy 1:7 says that "God has not given us a spirit of timidity (fear), but of power and love and discipline."  That power, love, and discipline are not things that we are born with but are things that we are given through Christ being real and present in our lives!  We have to "renew our minds" as it says in Romans 12 in order to keep that line of communication open and to know the importance of that power source!

But please get this friends, power and love and discipline are not things the devil wants you to tap into.  In fact, he will do everything in his finite power to keep you afraid and discouraged.  Powerless in this battle we call life.  Tonight as I was sitting down to catch you up on the past few weeks, my heart has been heavy because life has been hard.  It was then that I realized exactly what I was feeling.  I was discouraged and afraid - have you ever felt like that?  It is probably one of the worst feelings ever!

I think back to our study on Nehemiah, aptly titled Fear and Discouragement, and Nehemiah's prayer for God to simply "strengthen my hands."  So many things were used to break down Nehemiah and the people of Israel, but Nehemiah never ceased praying or tapping into that power that could only come from God.  So tonight I am so thankful for studies done and for words of encouragement that could only come from Scripture.  It seems to help to know who the enemy is, that the war is won, and that we have the armor to fight the battles.

So as for sharing this quite deep topic.  I was once told that once you know the truth, you are held accountable for what you do with it.  I pray with ALL of my heart and soul that these words reach that soul that perhaps has tears of experience in their eyes at this point.  There is hope!  That power is there for the accessing - in His word.  It is, after all, our only piece of offensive armor given in Ephesians 6.  I also hope that once you know the Truth, you will pass it along!

deep breath

Okay so all that stuff in earlier posts that I have been learning - I had to put into use today.  I am realizing that perhaps discouragement is my worst struggle!  I got it before - in theory - but putting this stuff into practice is HARD!  You know those days that make you want to curse - this was one of those days!  You know the days when you want to throw all that stuff out the window?

So I did what any Beaty girl does well - I cried...

Then I realized that this was quite possibly not the right thing for me, and it was also discouragement to keep me from pursuing that which God has been stirring in my heart to do!  This type of day has been quite prevalent in my past; however, I never really knew how to deal with them.  I thought that if I loved Jesus enough and always mostly did what was expected of me things would work out.  Boy, was I wrong!!!  See God is interested in His glory and my character -- not the other way around.  His character is unchanging - a solid foundation, and His glory is what this entire thing is about.  My character could use quite a bit of work - a work which I must admit is very much still in progress!!!

So even as I write this I want to cry again simply because it is FRUSTRATING beyond belief!!!  In college, there was this cotton field (I went to school in the middle of nowhere north MS) where we could go and just scream during really tough times - like finals, a break up, a stupid professor, or the 25 page paper you waited until 2 weeks before it was due to start.  You know, life toughest moments?  Well, today I wish I had a cotton field.

But... I don't.  I live an apartment where if I really truly screamed, they might call the police!

Instead, I take that aforementioned deep breath and put it into the aforementioned perspective of this is character building.  I am told that to strengthen muscles, you must first break them down in order to stretch the muscles.  In the end, you have a stronger, more healthy person able to carry the heavy load.

So here is to bad days, lack of cotton fields, and frustrating people bent on discouraging you!!!

Bring it on - and God, "strengthen my hands!"

fear

"I am afraid."  "I am scared to death."  "(Insert obscenity often screamed out when someone scares you!)"

These are phrases I must admit I hear come out of my own mouth more often that I would like.  Fear or uncertainty is one thing that has been a constant struggle for me for a very long time.  Many things frighten me - severe weather, not falling in love, taking chances, falling in love, the words - "we need to talk," cancer, failure, and the unknown - only to name a few.  As you can see fear is a big part of my life.  I don't think I have ever really liked the fact that I am so easily frightened, but I never really grasped that this might be a big deal to how my life goes and the story of my life for God.

Not until recently that is...

For the past 13ish weeks I have been working on a Bible study named How to Overcome Fear and Discouragement by Kay Arthur - a title I must admit that I really just read and let sink in.  The only thing that really interested me was that it covered the books of Ezra, Nehemiah, and Esther.  The nerd in me adored the history involved in those books, but I never would have guessed that this study would penetrate to a level of a deep  stronghold in my life.

These books give a detailed account of the things the enemy will do to keep you afraid and discouraged.  Get this - the devil will go to some extreme lengths to keep you down and inactive.  Gossip, slander, physical threats - even spending money are all tactics.  Right along side of these accounts of the tactics are the detailed accounts of men and women standing confident in their God to do what He has "stirred in their heart" or "put in their heart" to do.  I have read 2 Timothy 1:7 many times, but after doing this study it has really come alive to me -

For God has not given us a  spirit of timidity but of power and love and discipline.

Isn't it amazing - God doesn't want us to be afraid.  He wants to have a spirit of power, love, and discipline.  Now I know that you are wondering where can this girl who has been so very fearful of everything under the sun find a spirit of power, love, and discipline.  Well, God gives us that spirit, and I must admit I am still processing how to receive that spirit on a day-to-day, minute-to-minute basis.  The past few days have been quite challenging for me on this end as things have not really went the way I want them to go.  In comes the second part of that title - discouragement.  If I am not afraid at the time, then chances are I am discouraged.  Discouragement is something I am so quite familiar with - we are practically family at this point.  That came to play the past few days as well.  I just love hearing that someone thinks I can't handle something, don't you?  But that is exactly how Satan wants us to feel - afraid to take that step of faith and that really we can't do what God expects us to do.    

Fear and discouragement can keep us sidelined - on the bench for too much of the game.  God has a plan and a purpose that He probably put into place decades before we were even thought of, and anytime spent on the bench is time that I and perhaps you are not bringing glory to God.  Now that just makes me angry - not sure if that is the case with you.  Anytime I feel like someone other than God is trying to control me and tell me I can't, I become much more determined to do exactly what it is that God has "put into my heart" and what the skeptics tell me I can't do.

So, I suppose this blog is a reminder for me of the things I have learned and a push to apply these truths in my life.  Each day I must claim the promise that God gives me a spirit of power and love and discipline.  I hope that you do the same, and that we bring glory to God with our lives.