truth, honesty, integrity

Every now and then, I get somewhat caught up in my own thoughts which would quite interesting if you could be in head and see the path that the thoughts take. Let’s just say that my thought process is a little off from everyone else’s, but that’s okay. So anyways, most of these thoughts are reflective thoughts – what I would change if I could, what haunts my memories, and the very few times when I say and do exactly what I mean to say and do. It is in these times of reflection that I am most often caught off guard and completely amazed by how awesome God is. Today I was called out on some of my crap. But not like someone pointing out flaws just to make you feel like crap, instead it was done in a “Godly” and kind manner. Now some of you may not be seeing the connection between being called out and God’s complete awesomeness, but bear with me, I am getting to that part.

The completely awesome part was that my heart and my attitude were prepared for such an event. I have been studying the names of God through a wonderful Kay Arthur study called Lord, I Want To Know You that takes you through the names of God in order to learn about the character of God as each name depicts a specific character trait, and it is one of the best studies I have ever done. (Soap Box moment – I love Kay Arthur because it is an insanely effective mixture of truth and grace, studying the Word and difficult life-altering questions.) Off the soap box for now, but the past few days I have been learning about “Jehovah-rapha” which means God our Healer. This lesson opened me up to some of the things that needed healing in my heart and my life. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem and there is a reason so many people never fully recover – they never admit they have a problem because it can be excruciating. But that is my process right now – admitting problem areas and receiving healing. And if admitting problems is difficult then receiving healing can be just as piercing because accepting healing means letting go of some of that pain a little more each day. It means looking and acting differently, it means releasing the crutch that has been the rationale behind every failure.

Being in this mindset means I was able to take the constructive criticism as just that and in the way it was meant – as a means of bringing it to my attention so that I can go about changing behavior. God has been doing wonders in my heart, and it is my prayer that you will be able to see all the changes. This will probably be the most difficult part as this is one of the areas I struggle with the most – letting people in enough to see -  me. I am in the process of accepting that healing for my broken heart and laying it down at Christ’s feet every day and not picking it up again. I want people to see me – the real me. The girl who is more tender-hearted than anyone really knows, who hates the idea of causing ANYONE real pain, the girl who doesn’t always feel beautiful, who never really feels like enough. I want you to see the girl who is most likely too smart for her own good, who genuinely loves to make people smile, and the girl who cares about and loves people more than I like to admit.

The meanness, the sarcasm, the attitude, all of it is my crutch – my front so that you won’t get close enough to hurt me. I suppose someone or something convinced me that I would never be enough so I decided to stop trying and built this wall that screamed I didn’t care what you thought so you wouldn’t get close enough to discover the truth. The truth is I want to love and be loved, I want to be enough, and I want to be somebody’s exception. This is me on front street with my heart wide open for all to see.

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