new year

Confession - I have not made a new year's resolution, and I have not even made a list of things that I want for this year.  If I am completely honest, I have not been entirely retrospective concerning 2013 because it was a tough year!  There were  times when my heart hurt as though someone had torn it out of my chest with their bare hands.  There were times when I was so exhausted, I found myself doing the minimum and going through the motions of life.  I have longed for heaven and the peace and relief it will bring.  I got so very frustrated with myself and my foolish pride, my wandering heart.  I think I learn every day a little more about the value of His grace and patience.

Do not get me wrong, there have been some wonderful times this year, but struggle seems to be theme we focused on this year.  I began this year striving for balance and quickly realized that it only takes one stumble for all those things you thought were balanced to come crashing down!  Have you ever been there?  Have you ever just needed a break from the world?   I think that is where I found myself this past year - I think I found myself going through the motions because caring meant hurting, and I didn't have time to deal with all of that.  So I kept going and going until I could not get up any more, so for most of the holidays, I did very little besides lay on the couch and be a bum.  

I think it was the best thing I could have done - you see all of the resolutions and goals don't mean anything when you can't remember why you are doing those things.  So for me, 2014 is a chance to remember why I fight, a pause to get my bearings, and an opportunity to move forward past the struggle.  I don't think I will make a resolution or a list this year, I just want to be present.