Truth Behind the Facade

I am not sure when it happened or why it happened, but it happened. Somewhere along the way I lost myself, and even though it feels like it has been forever, I feel like I am getting her back. I have made some decisions in my life that have taken me down not necessarily the most destructive path but most definitely not the RIGHT path. Reasons for taking those paths have varied from fear of everything including failure and standing alone to a misguided notion that a woman’s only place in ministry was beside a husband.


Perhaps I should back up and let you in on a little secret about me. First, I have been a Christian since I was very young, and it’s not one of those stories where you think you are “saved” but you really aren’t. At a very young age, I understood that I was a sinner and that Christ is real and His love is real. As I got older, I wanted a date to dispel the doubts that plagued me – so in high school, on July 20, 2000 to be exact, I got a date. However, when I look back to when I truly accepted Christ and He intervened in my life I automatically go back to me as a very young girl kneeling at the altar of Mount Vernon Congregational Methodist Church as my mother led me in prayer. I remember meeting with the pastor because I was so young they wanted to make sure I understood as much as a young girl could about exactly what I was doing. Okay so now that you know that part, there is also something else you should know.

For almost as long as I have been a Christian I have also known that I am different and my life was to serve some specific task. The pastor of my church called it this past Sunday a “holy dissatisfaction” – an unshakable unrest due to the knowledge that there is this task and unless you are actively in pursuit of its accomplishment you simply cannot live with yourself. I know this feeling all too well, and I must say it is as miserable as it sounds if you are not doing what you are called. That’s right, I know there is a calling on my life – something I am supposed to do with this life I have been given. There I said it, I have been called to ministry. I don’t really know what that looks like for me, and the last time I really shared this with anyone my confidante told me to wait until I was married and my ministry would be whatever my husband’s area of ministry was. At first I was angry and defiant, but then I realized that going through ministry alone was not something I really wanted to do. (I am not saying that I was right in my thinking whatsoever.) So, I took her advice and I have been sort of waiting for that person while in the meantime, I am dying inside. Overtime, I became quite adept at faking it because evidently my idea of ministry was completely wrong. I kind of felt as though the real me was stuck behind a brick wall kicking and screaming while some sci-fi, more socially acceptable, puppet version of me lived the public form of life. The scary thing is that throughout this entire process I have been growing more and more distant with God and my relationship with Him until very recently when I simply said that if I am to be content with Him, I asked that He pursue me and woo me. Can I tell you, that He did just that – in the midst of me moving away from Him, putting up walls, rebelling against Him, He loved me enough to pursue me? Looking back, He has been pursuing me all along.

So I somewhat chased a little rabbit wit that last bit, but suffice to say that I have found the old me. I am still trying to dismiss the façade, but that is taking some time as it was a very well-built façade. So now you know – I have been called to ministry and I am still in the educative process as to what that will look like exactly. I know that we as believers are all called to share our story of how Christ intervened in our lives and how His love has changed the world, but as to something more than that – yeah, still working on that. Also, the advice about waiting to do ministry until I got married might have worked if I were not 27 and single. I don’t really know what the propellers of this “ministry=marriage” theory do with women who are called and single. I mean do they sit on the bench until marriage – “sorry ma’am, no ministry for you until billy bob proposes!” That just doesn’t sit well with me or even make sense to me.

The weirdest thing that has come out of all this is the fact that through getting to know the character and person of Christ, I have rediscovered who I really am – the person He made to be. So in finding myself again, there are some things I would like to share:

1. Please don’t lie to me – Two things that I find utterly disgusting are lying and hypocrisy. I know that I am not perfect, and these two qualities are two that I can’t stand to see in myself. This post is pretty much my attempt to regain truth and authenticity in who I am.

2. I love smart comedy – anything that makes me think and laugh rocks my world. An audience is as intelligent as you allow them to be, and conversely stupid comedy bores me. Yeah not a big fan of Will Ferrel movies.

3. I am a reasonably intelligent human being who just so happens to have a voice of a five year old; however, that doesn’t mean you may speak to me as though I am a child or stupid. I am neither.

4. Whatever I do, I am passionate about – I love acting and I think it can be used in a worship setting. Also, I love history and I love knowing the historical aspects of the Bible. It makes it come alive to me. When did it become cool not to be passionate about what you love?

5. I don’t care if you disagree with, don’t like, or have a problem with anything written in the above paragraphs.

We Learn and We Love

I am an inherently good student, and please don’t think this is me bragging because I have a point to this I promise. Anyway, school comes very natural to me, and I have never really had to study very much. My mom used to tell me that I could have been Valedictorian if I would have brought home a book during high school. Even when I got my masters, I could make A’s and B’s without reading the material. A fact which I know really aggravated one of my professors.


So when it came time to choose a major, I chose education and because I love history I made it Social Science Education. I was good at absorbing information, so I thought I would stick to what I know and become a teacher. After having several not so good history teachers, I decided I wanted to be the antithesis of the boring, memorize facts, lecture-note-test kind of teacher. That was so incredibly boring to me, and to this day I like to be challenged in my thinking. I would rather you disagree with me completely and have a good discussion than you just sit there and have no opinion whatsoever.

So even though I am a good student in a classroom when it means learning about someone else’s story, I am stubborn to a fault when it comes to learning a lesson in my own personal life. Recently, I have seen that God has had to somewhat knock the obstinacy out of me. If you don’t get anything else out of my ramblings, please get this – this lesson hurts and avoid if at all possible. Stubbornness can be a positive character trait when it leads to perseverance; however, when it means that you are holding onto the last fragments of control when everything around you including the Savior of the world is commanding you to let go, it is just an obnoxious quality.

So where does this leave me? I am back at the drawing board in a completely familiar posture learning several unfamiliar lessons. Let me explain what I mean by all of this. The familiar posture is that of a student – I am a student of God, seeking His presence and guidance in hope of finding my path. With two degrees in Social Science Education, you may be thinking that I already know my path. However, I am not so sure because with all logical thinking, I should be teaching now, but I am not. Perhaps, I am not supposed to be a teacher or perhaps I am not supposed to be a teacher right now or perhaps I have been looking in the wrong places. Nevertheless, you can see why I am seeking guidance.

BUT GOD has been teaching me so much more than that. (Another one of those “but God” moments) I have been reminded of just how sweet being in The Word is and how sweet His presence can be. One thing that I love about studying the Word of God is that it is challenging and intriguing to me. One thing that makes history so interesting to me is learning someone’s story and how things in the past relate to that person’s story. The Bible is so full and rich with relationships and people’s stories and how God intervenes in those stories.

I have been re-reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and I once again blown away by how this simple idea of LOVE has completely rocked our world for the past two thousand years. Maybe I am just a little slow to comprehend some things or maybe I had gotten away from this need to truly know God and have a relationship with Him, but this idea of everything boiling down to love has really rocked my world. I had always heard that God wants a relationship with me and that He loves me, but hearing that and witnessing that are two completely different things. The motto or creed of our church is to love God and love people, and for a long time I thought it could not be really that simple. However, I am convinced that it is that simple. We love God by loving the very creation He died for, and in doing so, we become more and more like Him. In loving others, we draw closer to and fall more in love with Him. For me, being confronted with the kind of love He has for me even in my messed up, sinful, rebellious, confused, and just unattractive state makes it so much easier to look for good in my fellow messed up human beings and love them.

I hope these ramblings make some sense to you, and I will leave you with this –

“This is my commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends, if you do what I command you.” ~ Romans 15:12-13

be still

So this past weekend, my family and I were having a movie night and the selected picture was the new The Karate Kid with Will Smith’s son. I must say I was surprised by how good the movie was, but there was a surprising moment in the movie where I found myself seeing beyond the words and the movie. This particular part of the movie, the young Kung Fu novice is taken by the teacher to very spiritual place in the mountains where the young man happens upon a woman performing Kung Fu skills on a ledge with a cobra. This action catches the student’s eye because it was though the woman was mimicking the cobra, but when asked, the teacher responded that the snake was being manipulated by the woman’s focus and stillness. The student was astounded that the woman could control the snake by seemingly doing nothing to which the teacher responded that “to do nothing and to be still are two completely different things.” The teacher continued by saying that it was only when the woman was completely focused and still did the snake begin to follow her actions.



This may be a stretch for some of you but stay with me for the next few minutes because I kind of had an “AHA” moment during this portion of the movie. It occurred to me that this is just the focus I need in my life. Psalm 46:10a states, “be still and know that I am God..” Very recently, this verse has been on my mind more and more, but I fought with this idea of being still because I equated it with doing nothing. You know when you are younger and your parents say “be still” it means you better not even consider moving a muscle – that’s the picture I had in my head. As I have gotten older, I have developed this need to at least feel productive in some sort or fashion and being still seemed counter-productive. So, I had problems with this idea of being still. But “be still and know that I am God” is a command and one that had been on my mind a great deal recently so I face a dilemma.


Until during this movie about karate, somehow this scene made this verse make sense to me. Being still no longer meant doing nothing but comes from this intense focus and deep peace. It was not until the woman became completely still and focused did the cobra begin to mimic her movements. In my life of trying to be the woman God teaches me to be, I cannot make my movements match those of Christ without becoming completely still and deeply focused. This makes so much more sense to me – hence the “aha” moment. Does this make sense to anyone else? We must focus on God – you want things to change in your life you must focus on God.


I don’t know if this is an elementary thing for everyone else, and I am just a little slow but this is so encouraging to me. In my world, there is very little time to be still – we seem to be always going, something seems to always be going on, and some of the people in my life believe themselves to be the redneck version of the Barrymore family thus it is their mission to bring drama to our lives. So when everything is crazy which is every day, I adore this idea of having Someone to focus on and this Someone gives you peace that passes all understanding. I don’t know about you but even as I am writing this and putting these thoughts together, I am relieved. This relief comes from the second part of this verse – “know that I am God.” With that statement comes the knowledge that HE IS GOD! There is nothing bigger or better or more loving or more trustworthy! That is simply astounding to me.


Its as though God is comforting me saying, “Focus, have peace and remember who I AM!”

understanding

It seems to that recently I have been to the funeral home much more than usual which is quite a bit considering I work/live in a florist and funerals are an inevitable aspect of selling flowers.  I have been involved in the florist world for about two and half years and in doing so you become apt at distancing yourself from the painful aspects of a funeral and concentrate on producing the best arrangements you can.  However, all of this goes out the window when the call comes into the florist for someone you know and much more so when you were friends with the deceased.  I know this sounds so incredibly morbid and horribly cold, but if you dwell on where the majority of the flower arrangements go then you will become severely depressed. 

Anyways, back to the point of this blog - last week a very good friend of mine was killed in a work-related accident.  He was a year-to-the-date older than me which when he was dating my best friend in high school really irked me.  Hello, it was my birthday too!  Him, his brother Eric, me, my sisters, my best friend - Tosha, and her sisters made up much of the youth group, and in a way we became family.  Much of the time that we were not in school, we all spent together which led to just as much fighting and arguing as hugging.  So much of my high school experience is filled with memories of these people.  We were the type of friends that we could fight and argue one minute and be making up the next - but just like many other stories, time moved on, we grew up, went our seperate ways, and lost touch.   One fact that I must say I am sorry to admit because getting the phone call that he had been killed was very much like getting punched in the gut.  You always say that one day you are all going to get together again and catch up, and then something happens and getting all the group together is no longer possible. 

Its these kinds of things - when someone so young is taken from this world so unexpectedly - that I have a problem understanding and finding peace with.  I know in my head that no matter what God is good and has a plan; however, that's really difficult to come to tell my heart during these times.  It just does not make sense at all to me, and it really breaks my heart in a way that words that can't express.  Not only for that lost connection but my heart breaks for the family who are on the front line of this battle to find peace in the situation.

It is during these times that I must seek God's presence and completely rely on His strength because my own has never and will never hold up under the extreme pressure of dark days that threaten to take you under.  I find myself re-reading some of the same verses - some of which I will share with you.

"But He said to me, my grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefor, I will boast all the more gladly of weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~2 Corinthians 12:9-10

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.  But in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths." ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas...

This is my most favorite time of year – the Christmas season. Anything seems possible. People often seem friendlier, the music sounds better, lights are brighter, and cookies are just right. Faith in something bigger than ourselves seems more of a reality than an outlandish idea, but I think we are seriously deprived if these things are only true after Thanksgiving. Why can’t we live with the same sense of joy and giving 365 days out of the year? I recently heard someone address a group of people about the Christmas season, and this person said, “I am not going to ask you to do anything difficult like taking all of your gifts to those less fortunate.” It struck me during this speech that isn’t that the complete opposite of what Christ asks of us – HE asks the difficult of us, to sacrifice our comfort out of compassion for others who might not be so fortunate. In fact it is more of a command than a request – if you are to call yourself one who looks like me, then deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow ME (Luke 9:23). If we do this, take the initiative to look like Christ, then we should, in my humble opinion, look and act as though it is Christmas all the time – we should be joyful and giving and confident in the person, power and purpose God has instilled in us who call Him Lord no matter the circumstances.


I am convinced we would be amazed at the results if we just got out of His way and started living like we really believe what we say we believe. I know that I cannot change anyone, but I can change me and pray for God’s power to change me and my attitude. I am sick of being apathetic and doing nothing. I believe it’s time to get off the bench and get in the game and to go big or go home. I tend to be passionate about the things that interest me, and somewhere along the way I have lost part of that. However, that ends now and WE MUST PUT EVERYTHING WE HAVE INTO THIS LIFE. After all, this is the only one we have, and I for one do not want to get to the end and regret not doing something. Failure is not failure if we learn a lesson while we are down and get back up and keep living; failure is falling and staying down. It’s time to get up and move on – a wiser , more joyful, more giving, and more Godly woman than before. You know life is hard and it’s not fair 99.99% of the time, but the people I admire most are those that have risen above the adversity and triumphed.

I don’t mean to sound preachy because this is as much to me to anyone else – I really see this as much of a vent session as a blog that I hope encourages someone else out there. In the hope of encouraging someone, I am including a small sampling of things that bring me joy!

1. My niece and nephew… particularly how my niece gets really excited when she sees me!

2. The way my parents still flirt and date after 30 years of marriage… sometimes it’s a tish awkward but such a great example.

3. My sisters – nobody and I mean nobody can irk one of us worse than one of us but loving them is not an option and I don’t have better friends than them.

4. Christmas lights on a cold night with some Bing Crosby playing in the background! 

5. Green things… Sorry I am not overly eco-friendly but I adore the color green!

6. Music… there is nothing else like it in the world.

7. Doing what God calls you to do and seeing Him work through you – there is no greater feeling in the world.

trees, life, history

So, I have this thing about trees - I love them, and I can't give just one reason for this love of trees.  There are really a great many reasons.  I guess first I should mention that it is just the idea of this amazing creation that is deeply rooted and then defies gravity to shoot into the sky.  Then there is the awesome color - there is something about green that makes me happy and feel alive.  I am sure there is some exact scientific explanation for why green makes me happy, but I simply like to refer to it as one of my happy colors.  The visual person that I am is so very inspired by beautiful and intriguing colors and shapes.  One of the things I love also is that trees are just as beautiful and interesting without the leaves.

See?

I love the lines of the branches and reach of the limbs that seem to stretch out and call out to you. 

Its not just the oak and pine trees, but Christmas trees are one of my favorite things about the Christmas season.  The smell of a real Christmas tree is absolutely amazing - I mean I could just walk up and down the live tree section at Lowe's all day.  It smells like Christmas, and Christmas does not really start to me until the Christmas tree is up and decorated.  

I have always had this thing about trees, and they have always been a big part of my life and what I notice about places I go.  In fact, one of the things that attracted me so much to the house we live in are the Crepe Myrtle trees in the backyard.  Anyways, I am obsessed with trees and history, and it occurred to me the other day that trees are witnesses to history.  There are some beautiful trees around my grandparents' and parents' houses and they have been there at least since my great-grandparents moved to Jones County in the early 1900's.  The trees were there when my great-grandparents built the original home-place and when my grandparents became their neighbors and when my parents built their home.

While working on my master's degree, one of the classes offered was a field experience that took you through some of the oldest places in South Mississippi.  The trees found in Natchez and Vicksburg and everywhere in between were amazingly old and covered in moss.  They  looked so old and beautiful and had been there since the days of the Civil War when the ladies in big ornate dresses lounged underneath the trees during the summer.  The idea of something, anything surviving the years to be around to tell a story of years gone by is wonderful to me. 

If you think about it, trees are a big part of history.  Laurel, the city I call home, was founded on the lumber industry.  Trees were cleared to build the cities in the South, and used to build homes, businesses, etc.  And for those of us who are Christians, there is one tree in particular that is of upmost importance.  As it was a tree that was used to form a cross on which the Savior of the world died so that we might have access to God.  Deeply rooted in love and defying death to stretch out and embrace the world so that all might be saved.



Thanksgiving Dinner

A few things you should know:
1. This past year has been quite difficult - and that is the cleaned up/nice version of what I really think about it!
2. I love the holidays - Thanksgiving and Christmas literally make me giddy like a little girl smiling at the cute boy two rows over!
3. Because of facts expressed in number one I believe that we should take this time to remember our blessings and to celebrate and to make the decision to be happy despite the circumstances!
Now that you know these things, I thought I would share with you some of the things Candace and I are cooking on Thursday!
Now these are not pictures of my actual food... I borrowed them from the wonderful invention known as google images.  I just wanted to give you a visualization as I am a visual person myself! SO short story long, enjoy and Happy Thanksgiving!

Pumpkin Pie

Sweet Potato Casserole


Banana Pudding


7 Layer Salad


P.S. I found the recipe for Mamaw's banana pudding recipe - she layered the vanilla wafers, bananas, and then poured a homemade custard like substance over it that is other-worldly that it so good.