kindness

Have you ever been through those times when it felt like you are walking on thin ice and the things above you could crash down at any moment and everything underneath is so completely uncertain? I have been there – well to be honest, I am standing right in the middle of there right now. Sometimes I feel as though one wrong step and we will find out exactly what the uncertainty holds. Oh and you know that feeling when you wake up after something bad has happened and you almost feel like you have a hangover and maybe the events of the previous day were all a bad dream – an alcohol induced bad dream that would never happen in reality? Then you wake up and realize that horrible nightmare really is your reality and somehow you have to wade into the darkness, find your heart, and try to reassemble the pieces. If you combine those two feelings you will know a little about what I am trying to make sense out of.


Many people ask why bad things happen to good people; well I never really understood why bad things have to happen at all. I know in my head that ultimately we live in a broken world where sin runs rampant and life sucks sometimes, but my heart still asks why. Why do you have to explain to children why their mom and dad can’t be married anymore? What do you say to family and friends that have just found out a loved one has cancer? How do you explain people leaving or car accidents where people are killed? Murder. Molestation. Abuse of any kind – how do you make sense of these things?

And please don’t give me the Sunday school answer right now – that makes me so angry. Affirm truth – this sucks, it’s not fair, I don’t know what to say, I don’t really understand what you are going through, but God does, He loves you, He is sovereign, and day by day, hour by hour, minute by grueling minute, it will get better. You will be able to breathe again. Your heart that you’re not sure exists in its entirety anymore will start beating again. And one day you will smile again. Until that happens, though, just be willing to wade into that darkness with them – just be there – to hold them, cry with them, let them push you away, but don’t stay away forever.

If you have ever been through anything that makes you feel what I have described, then you can empathize. You do understand. Remember that when you begin to say something unkind, when you choose not to show love to the world around you, or when you all too hastily judge a person or his/her actions. You never know what people are going through. There is so much evil in this world, it doesn’t need your bad attitude too. You can choose what you put out into your world. You can choose to be kind, to love, to spread peace. And all of you cynical people, stop rolling your eyes and wander over to a mirror. These are all actions you can choose to do even if you aren’t FEELING particularly kind or loving. Believe me, this is something I deal with on a daily basis. I can turn sarcasm into personal insults that sear and scar down to the bone, and I have to choose to be quiet and be kind.

I am so tired of hate and hurt and pain and abuse – it breaks my heart. It doesn’t matter that these things aren’t always directed at me because I have been there. I don’t know how to stop empathizing with people to the point that their pain doesn’t become my own.  For some unknown, unGodly reason we feel as through we can criticize that which we don't understand, and we forget that words hurt. I wish people would stop and put themselves in others' shoes and see how that feels.  Everything looks different from your own perspective.

Responsible Consumerism?!?

Recently, I was introduced to some new terminology for a movement that is very popular for celebrities and the cool kids! It is the idea of “responsible consumerism,” and this may not be new terminology or a new concept for many of you. However, it was new to me. This idea consists of taking responsibility to be aware of the details of the products you buy. Details might include where the product comes from, what materials are used in manufacture, is the manufacture of said product damaging the immediate environment, what was the inspiration for the product, are the proceeds from the product just to make some suit rich or will it go for a better cause? One of the most well-known proponents of this idea is the creative genius behind Toms shoes which sends a pair of shoes to a child in need with every purchase of a pair of shoes. This idea is changing the world, in my opinion.

The idea of “going green” is not a new concept in our world, but I, personally, had a very extreme ideal of what “going green” entailed. I suppose I had this picture of someone driving a car that runs on French fry oil, someone that didn’t take showers, and who spent a majority of their time in a deeply personal relationship with a tree. I am not really sure why I had this picture in my head, and I don’t mean to offend anyone who lives this lifestyle except if you have the deeply personal relationship with the tree because that is just a little weird.

Anyway so the idea of responsible consumerism and going green converged in my head into a really simple but life-changing idea for me that has had implications in every area of my life. To me both ideologies boil down into the choice to take personal responsibility for the items you purchase and bring into your home and also for the items you take out of your home in the trash you throw away. I am not an extreme environmentalist; however, I do believe that we should be good stewards of what we have been given – that includes our world and resources. Also, in the current economic times, being aware of some of these things will help you save money. Little things that using a re-usable water bottle or coffee thermos, using cloth napkins at dinner, or using canvas bags to transport your groceries can both help the environment and save money. Also choosing to buy products that are better for the environment or have a higher cause than getting rich are becoming viable options in our world. It’s all about being educated on the products you purchase and choosing to take the responsibility.

Okay so what are the applications for this?

Number One – the food we eat. I am notorious for saying “why don’t we just pick up something (usually fast food) for dinner and not cook?” The food from a fast food restaurant can be the worst thing for you – I know from experience!!! And, most of the time you can’t be sure if that food is actually real food or some sort of chemically enhanced substitute. When you cook your own food, you get to control the ingredients and the quality of said ingredients! It’s a simple change that requires you to take responsibility for what you are putting into your body and to make a choice! Taking a good but difficult look at what I was putting into my body makes me want to cook and be more responsible for the things I eat.

Number Two – what we allow into our heads that can make its way to our hearts and eventually affect our souls. There are so many negative and harmful images that we come across in a daily basis that we must have some sort of counterbalance in our lives. It is next to impossible to avoid all that is negative unless you live in a bubble that never interacts with the outside world, but it is imperative to have some sort of import of positive. As a follower of Christ, it should be the Word of God that is the positive and the counter to all of the crazy crap we put into our heads! Romans 12:2 states, “do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…” I like this because conforming to the world is something that comes very natural to us and something that can occur when in auto-pilot, but renewing your mind is something we must choose to do that most of the time goes against our very nature!

Number Three – As the executive at Toms shoes are teaching us about responsible consumerism and how what we purchase can affect the rest of the world, it is beyond time for us to realize that everything we do affects the people and the world around us. Just as we need to be aware of what is going into our bodies, we also need to be intensely aware of what we put into the world. So many times, I walk around like the things I do and the things I say do not affect anyone but me; however, that is so not the case. People watch you – not in that we need a restraining order type way but in a follow in your footsteps type way. I am the oldest of 3 girls – a fact my two younger sisters like to remind me of – and I want to be the kind of person that they want to look up to and follow. Also I work with kids during the majority of the waking hours, and if you work with kids you know that they learn much more from what you do than what you say!

It all comes down to taking the initiative to educate ourselves and taking responsibility for the people we are and our actions. If you are reading this and thinking that this will include more work on your part, then you are exactly right, but I believe the benefits far outweigh the extra work. I know that I am capable of going on auto-pilot where I am not really living but existing, and that is breaks my heart because I can’t get those days back. I only have one life, and I don’t want to look back at the end of it and regret something I didn’t do but wanted to do. I want to have an awesome story to leave behind…

Inspiration and Vision

I am such a visual person - I think in pictures.  It's almost as though there is a never ending movie reel going in my head.  When I read books or plays or well anything, I see the actions take place in my head.  (Possible explanation as to why I love history so much!)  I also love words - its completely amazing that these little things possess such power! To me, the best writers are those that make me see their vision and their inspiration with their words.  This week, I have been looking for my own personal inspiration and vision.  I found some of what I was looking for, and I thought I would share it with you. 

First, the past few weeks have a little of the dramatic side, and my amazing mother, pointed me to Psalm 37.  I love the entire psalm, but I want to share a couple of my favorite verses -
    "Trust in the Lord and do good, dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.  Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."  "But the salvation of the righteous is from the Lord, He is their strength in time of trouble."  Psalm 37: 3-4, 39

Also I visited with a very good friend this week who reminded me of who I am - we met in college and have been good friends for a long time.  We read through skits - which may not sound like fun and excitement for anyone else, but it was exciting to get back to what I am passionate about.  Drama, acting whether live or on video is such a powerful resource in worship - almost a modern day parable - using everyday experiences to illustrate a Biblical point. 

Finally today, it has been such a beautiful day, I went around my house and grabbed just some pictures of my greatest inspirations.  I am blessed with a crazy sister who is just as visual and more artistic than I am.  So I hope these inspire you as much as they inspired me.

The Sky - oh so amazing!

Trees - you know I have a thing for trees!

Something about the sun and the shadows and light...

Weather for capris and relaxing!

Green and sun in the window

This is the view from the kitchen window and I heart it!

new ideas

So as a self-proclaimed "history-nerd," the idea of studying ancient civilizations fascinates me.  I am so intrigued by what life was like for people in different worlds and social structures, and most often we find out what we know about these people groups through archeological digs.  These digs brings us bits and pieces of what these ancient civilizations have left behind - many times we find etchings on walls telling us a story of these people.  Now that we have so many other artistic outlets of expression and so many technological outlets of expression (blogs, online journals, facebook), I wonder what we and more specifically I will leave behind for future generations to find so that they will know what our world was like.

At different times in my personal life, I become extremely reflective - what have I done if my life, did any of it matter, have I accomplished certain goals I have for my life, what decisons in the past have led to where I am now, and which, if any, of those decisions would I like a "re-do" on?  There is this aching desire in my heart to do something important - to fulfill some sort of divine purpose.  Not necessarily a purpose that will make me popular or wealthy but something that means something to me and perhaps to someone else.  I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, but its where I am right now.  I want my life to matter in the grand scheme of things!  And I want to do something great - again not something necessarily great as defined by our society but perhaps my purpose is that someone who reads these words today or tomorrow or in years to come will be helped, encouraged by my simple ramblings.  Perhaps these blog posts are what I will leave behind for future generations to gather a glimpse into my small world and what it might look like. 

I have a feeling in my bones that perhaps some changes are coming my way in the near future, and while change scares me quite a bit, I will do my best to be prepared to welcome change with an open heart and mind with hope that these changes are for the best!

Truth Behind the Facade

I am not sure when it happened or why it happened, but it happened. Somewhere along the way I lost myself, and even though it feels like it has been forever, I feel like I am getting her back. I have made some decisions in my life that have taken me down not necessarily the most destructive path but most definitely not the RIGHT path. Reasons for taking those paths have varied from fear of everything including failure and standing alone to a misguided notion that a woman’s only place in ministry was beside a husband.


Perhaps I should back up and let you in on a little secret about me. First, I have been a Christian since I was very young, and it’s not one of those stories where you think you are “saved” but you really aren’t. At a very young age, I understood that I was a sinner and that Christ is real and His love is real. As I got older, I wanted a date to dispel the doubts that plagued me – so in high school, on July 20, 2000 to be exact, I got a date. However, when I look back to when I truly accepted Christ and He intervened in my life I automatically go back to me as a very young girl kneeling at the altar of Mount Vernon Congregational Methodist Church as my mother led me in prayer. I remember meeting with the pastor because I was so young they wanted to make sure I understood as much as a young girl could about exactly what I was doing. Okay so now that you know that part, there is also something else you should know.

For almost as long as I have been a Christian I have also known that I am different and my life was to serve some specific task. The pastor of my church called it this past Sunday a “holy dissatisfaction” – an unshakable unrest due to the knowledge that there is this task and unless you are actively in pursuit of its accomplishment you simply cannot live with yourself. I know this feeling all too well, and I must say it is as miserable as it sounds if you are not doing what you are called. That’s right, I know there is a calling on my life – something I am supposed to do with this life I have been given. There I said it, I have been called to ministry. I don’t really know what that looks like for me, and the last time I really shared this with anyone my confidante told me to wait until I was married and my ministry would be whatever my husband’s area of ministry was. At first I was angry and defiant, but then I realized that going through ministry alone was not something I really wanted to do. (I am not saying that I was right in my thinking whatsoever.) So, I took her advice and I have been sort of waiting for that person while in the meantime, I am dying inside. Overtime, I became quite adept at faking it because evidently my idea of ministry was completely wrong. I kind of felt as though the real me was stuck behind a brick wall kicking and screaming while some sci-fi, more socially acceptable, puppet version of me lived the public form of life. The scary thing is that throughout this entire process I have been growing more and more distant with God and my relationship with Him until very recently when I simply said that if I am to be content with Him, I asked that He pursue me and woo me. Can I tell you, that He did just that – in the midst of me moving away from Him, putting up walls, rebelling against Him, He loved me enough to pursue me? Looking back, He has been pursuing me all along.

So I somewhat chased a little rabbit wit that last bit, but suffice to say that I have found the old me. I am still trying to dismiss the façade, but that is taking some time as it was a very well-built façade. So now you know – I have been called to ministry and I am still in the educative process as to what that will look like exactly. I know that we as believers are all called to share our story of how Christ intervened in our lives and how His love has changed the world, but as to something more than that – yeah, still working on that. Also, the advice about waiting to do ministry until I got married might have worked if I were not 27 and single. I don’t really know what the propellers of this “ministry=marriage” theory do with women who are called and single. I mean do they sit on the bench until marriage – “sorry ma’am, no ministry for you until billy bob proposes!” That just doesn’t sit well with me or even make sense to me.

The weirdest thing that has come out of all this is the fact that through getting to know the character and person of Christ, I have rediscovered who I really am – the person He made to be. So in finding myself again, there are some things I would like to share:

1. Please don’t lie to me – Two things that I find utterly disgusting are lying and hypocrisy. I know that I am not perfect, and these two qualities are two that I can’t stand to see in myself. This post is pretty much my attempt to regain truth and authenticity in who I am.

2. I love smart comedy – anything that makes me think and laugh rocks my world. An audience is as intelligent as you allow them to be, and conversely stupid comedy bores me. Yeah not a big fan of Will Ferrel movies.

3. I am a reasonably intelligent human being who just so happens to have a voice of a five year old; however, that doesn’t mean you may speak to me as though I am a child or stupid. I am neither.

4. Whatever I do, I am passionate about – I love acting and I think it can be used in a worship setting. Also, I love history and I love knowing the historical aspects of the Bible. It makes it come alive to me. When did it become cool not to be passionate about what you love?

5. I don’t care if you disagree with, don’t like, or have a problem with anything written in the above paragraphs.

We Learn and We Love

I am an inherently good student, and please don’t think this is me bragging because I have a point to this I promise. Anyway, school comes very natural to me, and I have never really had to study very much. My mom used to tell me that I could have been Valedictorian if I would have brought home a book during high school. Even when I got my masters, I could make A’s and B’s without reading the material. A fact which I know really aggravated one of my professors.


So when it came time to choose a major, I chose education and because I love history I made it Social Science Education. I was good at absorbing information, so I thought I would stick to what I know and become a teacher. After having several not so good history teachers, I decided I wanted to be the antithesis of the boring, memorize facts, lecture-note-test kind of teacher. That was so incredibly boring to me, and to this day I like to be challenged in my thinking. I would rather you disagree with me completely and have a good discussion than you just sit there and have no opinion whatsoever.

So even though I am a good student in a classroom when it means learning about someone else’s story, I am stubborn to a fault when it comes to learning a lesson in my own personal life. Recently, I have seen that God has had to somewhat knock the obstinacy out of me. If you don’t get anything else out of my ramblings, please get this – this lesson hurts and avoid if at all possible. Stubbornness can be a positive character trait when it leads to perseverance; however, when it means that you are holding onto the last fragments of control when everything around you including the Savior of the world is commanding you to let go, it is just an obnoxious quality.

So where does this leave me? I am back at the drawing board in a completely familiar posture learning several unfamiliar lessons. Let me explain what I mean by all of this. The familiar posture is that of a student – I am a student of God, seeking His presence and guidance in hope of finding my path. With two degrees in Social Science Education, you may be thinking that I already know my path. However, I am not so sure because with all logical thinking, I should be teaching now, but I am not. Perhaps, I am not supposed to be a teacher or perhaps I am not supposed to be a teacher right now or perhaps I have been looking in the wrong places. Nevertheless, you can see why I am seeking guidance.

BUT GOD has been teaching me so much more than that. (Another one of those “but God” moments) I have been reminded of just how sweet being in The Word is and how sweet His presence can be. One thing that I love about studying the Word of God is that it is challenging and intriguing to me. One thing that makes history so interesting to me is learning someone’s story and how things in the past relate to that person’s story. The Bible is so full and rich with relationships and people’s stories and how God intervenes in those stories.

I have been re-reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and I once again blown away by how this simple idea of LOVE has completely rocked our world for the past two thousand years. Maybe I am just a little slow to comprehend some things or maybe I had gotten away from this need to truly know God and have a relationship with Him, but this idea of everything boiling down to love has really rocked my world. I had always heard that God wants a relationship with me and that He loves me, but hearing that and witnessing that are two completely different things. The motto or creed of our church is to love God and love people, and for a long time I thought it could not be really that simple. However, I am convinced that it is that simple. We love God by loving the very creation He died for, and in doing so, we become more and more like Him. In loving others, we draw closer to and fall more in love with Him. For me, being confronted with the kind of love He has for me even in my messed up, sinful, rebellious, confused, and just unattractive state makes it so much easier to look for good in my fellow messed up human beings and love them.

I hope these ramblings make some sense to you, and I will leave you with this –

“This is my commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends, if you do what I command you.” ~ Romans 15:12-13

be still

So this past weekend, my family and I were having a movie night and the selected picture was the new The Karate Kid with Will Smith’s son. I must say I was surprised by how good the movie was, but there was a surprising moment in the movie where I found myself seeing beyond the words and the movie. This particular part of the movie, the young Kung Fu novice is taken by the teacher to very spiritual place in the mountains where the young man happens upon a woman performing Kung Fu skills on a ledge with a cobra. This action catches the student’s eye because it was though the woman was mimicking the cobra, but when asked, the teacher responded that the snake was being manipulated by the woman’s focus and stillness. The student was astounded that the woman could control the snake by seemingly doing nothing to which the teacher responded that “to do nothing and to be still are two completely different things.” The teacher continued by saying that it was only when the woman was completely focused and still did the snake begin to follow her actions.



This may be a stretch for some of you but stay with me for the next few minutes because I kind of had an “AHA” moment during this portion of the movie. It occurred to me that this is just the focus I need in my life. Psalm 46:10a states, “be still and know that I am God..” Very recently, this verse has been on my mind more and more, but I fought with this idea of being still because I equated it with doing nothing. You know when you are younger and your parents say “be still” it means you better not even consider moving a muscle – that’s the picture I had in my head. As I have gotten older, I have developed this need to at least feel productive in some sort or fashion and being still seemed counter-productive. So, I had problems with this idea of being still. But “be still and know that I am God” is a command and one that had been on my mind a great deal recently so I face a dilemma.


Until during this movie about karate, somehow this scene made this verse make sense to me. Being still no longer meant doing nothing but comes from this intense focus and deep peace. It was not until the woman became completely still and focused did the cobra begin to mimic her movements. In my life of trying to be the woman God teaches me to be, I cannot make my movements match those of Christ without becoming completely still and deeply focused. This makes so much more sense to me – hence the “aha” moment. Does this make sense to anyone else? We must focus on God – you want things to change in your life you must focus on God.


I don’t know if this is an elementary thing for everyone else, and I am just a little slow but this is so encouraging to me. In my world, there is very little time to be still – we seem to be always going, something seems to always be going on, and some of the people in my life believe themselves to be the redneck version of the Barrymore family thus it is their mission to bring drama to our lives. So when everything is crazy which is every day, I adore this idea of having Someone to focus on and this Someone gives you peace that passes all understanding. I don’t know about you but even as I am writing this and putting these thoughts together, I am relieved. This relief comes from the second part of this verse – “know that I am God.” With that statement comes the knowledge that HE IS GOD! There is nothing bigger or better or more loving or more trustworthy! That is simply astounding to me.


Its as though God is comforting me saying, “Focus, have peace and remember who I AM!”