the sun is shining!

Well, I have to post to tell you that I GOT A JOB! Can I tell you that I am so very excited?  I am working part time at Laurel Christian School in the afterschool program.  What, you may ask, is so great about this job?  Well, allow me to enlighten you - it is at a school which gets my name in the system.  You have to start somewhere, right?  It is a job - which is instantly better than the alternative (being unemployed!)  And it seems like the sun is shining on my life right now.  The first week, I met a young woman who needs tutoring - and hello, licensed teacher - I can tutor! I am beyond excited about this!  It seems like doors are opening where previously every door was shut in my face. 

For the past few weeks we in south MS have had some absolutely beautiful weather.  The sun is out, the temperature is cooler, and fall is here.  To be honest, it feels like God is smiling on me just a bit.  There are still struggles, but just feeling like I have been heard and someone is on my side is so reassuring.  During this time, our pastor has been going through the book of Romans on Sundays, and it is in this book that I have found the passage that has kept me going. 

Romans 5:3-5 states, " we exult in tribulation knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance, and perseverance proven character, and character brings about hope.  And hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit which was given to us."

At first the idea of rejoicing in tribulation made me think that surely the author had never experienced tribulation before, but after reading and studying the passage with our church, I have learned that we are supposed to experience tribulation.  We are to be like Christ, and we know that He experienced the greatest hardships during His life and death.  The tribulation we experience refines us, makes us stronger, and draws us closer to God as it is during the hard times that we must learn to lean on Him and His understanding.  The past few months, I have been leaning pretty heavily on God as He was my only hope.  There are many people who after coming out of trials, look back and are grateful for the trials.  I must admit I am not at that point completely yet.  I understand that I probably never would have learned the lessons without God allowing me to go through this, but at the same time, I wish I could have had a choice.  With all of that said, I am grateful for the lessons learned and for the fact that I know that I can withstand the trials and tribulations that come in life. 

I have been so encouraged lately, and I finally feel like things are changing.  I hope this encourages you!

only hope

Have you ever heard the phrase, “my only hope is Jesus Christ,” and never really completely understood what it meant? To be perfectly honest, I think I have said this many times without fully grasping the meaning of the words or the concept that one’s only hope is Christ. I know that because we are a broken people, we must have Christ to redeem us. And in that sense He is our only hope. However, I am learning this concept first-hand through an extremely difficult journey. If you keep up with me at all, you know that I just completed a master’s degree at William Carey University, and I want to teach. Well after a few years of being told that is just not going to happen, I am at a crossroads in my life. I have no idea what I am going to do. I am unemployed, and with current economic realities being as they are, my world seems a little hopeless right now. I don’t know what else to do…


Except tie a knot in the rope that is the hope I have in Christ, and hold on! My only hope is that He will open a door. I, in my simple human sight, cannot envision even a window in which an opportunity will present itself. However, I know one thing for certain – that is Christ is my hope, my salvation, and my strength! And He has a plan. I pray that this trial will soon pass because I don’t know how much more I can take. I am so very embarrassed because I feel like I have not done something right or something is wrong with me that no one will give me a chance to teach. I see other people and the way God has blessed them, and I am so very happy for them while at the same time asking when do I just get a break. My dream is not to make tons of money – hello, I want to be a teacher. My dream is to touch some teenagers life, to let them know someone out there in that crazy world cares about them, and that the past is not something to be forgotten but is part of us and helps define us. I don’t understand why I am not teaching right now, and every rejection feels like a very personal “you’re just not good enough.” And it is killing me on the inside. It hurts. And I don’t understand it. But I MUST TRUST THAT THERE IS SOME SORT OF PLAN FOR ME! CHRIST IS MY ONLY HOPE!

teaching!

Why do you want to be a teacher? The question most often asked when people heard what my major was in college. The pay is not that great when you consider the most well-paid jobs – doctors, lawyers, and sports players – all had to have teachers to teach them how to do their jobs. Many say that having the weekends off and 2 months during the summer is what draws people to the job, but if you consider that many teachers put in 12-18 hour work days and then have duty at sporting events on the weekends for nine months straight, then the two months recovery does not seem quite enough. However, I suspect that a few teachers – those really there because they love the children – would tell you the real reason they wanted to be teachers and the reason they continue to be despite all the politics, drama, and work. It’s the reason I want to be a teacher.


The look.

The look on the face of a child when something inside clicks and they really learn something is the reason I want to teach. For so many students and even some teachers, history is just the rote memorization of names, dates, and facts of people that lived too long ago to really matter. However, it is so much more than that. Understanding that those people were just like you and me and responded exceptionally to extraordinary circumstances makes names, dates, and facts so much more rich. Understanding context can completely change the effects of data gathered, and knowing how our practices today are affected in some form or fashion by history makes it come alive for each one of us. History can be defined as the past events of a period in time or in the live or development of a people, an institution, or a place.

I believe to succeed in this world, there are two vital pieces of information that you must be absolutely sure of. Where you come from and where you are going, and you simply can’t have one without the other. You can’t know where you are going without knowing where you come from. That’s history – where you come from. Your personal history, your family history, your ancestral history, your social history, etc… Where you fit in this world – past, present, and future versions of this world. I just want to be along for the journey of students finding little pieces of their personal histories and future stories.

part one A

So the previous post was titled part one, and I am not currently ready to write part two so we have part one a. Recently I was looking through pictures on Facebook that I posted at least 3 to 4 years ago, and I got really nostalgic and somewhat sad. Most of the people in the pictures I do not get to see that often as we were best friends during that somewhat dramatic and always life-changing time known as college. We spent every weekend together, and most of the days in between were spent with at least one if not 20 members of the group. Now, that we have all finished college and either got married or remain blissfully single and moved off, we don't see one another that often. And of course, the inevitable has happened and we have all changed and hopefully matured past the 20 year old version of ourselves, so when we do see each other it is not quite the same. To those people, I miss you so much sometimes its hard to breathe. To those of you now in college, I pray that you will make the most of every opportunity and be open to all sorts of people and experiences that will come your way. College can be some of the best times of your life, but it is a brief, defined part of your life so be prepared for the inevitable ending when life really begins!

I suppose I should bring attention to the fact that this past Saturday I finished my educational career (so far) and graduated with a Masters of Education from William Carey University. It feels good and yet kind of weird to be finished with this step of my life. I have been in school for the better part of my entire life, and it had become my comfort zone. I am good at school, and I know I can succeed there. However, it is time to grow up and get the adult job and pay the adult bills. It is not as much fun as the movies make it seem to be, and to be honest, I am terrified by this. I have this terrible, illogical fear of failure. I think I sometimes sit on the bench because getting in the game means there is a possibility for failure. I push people away at times because letting them in means I could possibly fail, they would leave and I would be the one with the broken heart. In my head, it makes more sense just not to try because then it means I won't fail. This also means, should I continue down this path, I will never truly succeed at anything and I will never let anyone all the way in. This would be and is a very lonely and unfilled life. AND I am determined not to live like this anymore.
I will not be afraid to live! I will put myself in the game and I will let someone in. I will live a good story so that at the end of my life, I can look back with nostalgia and a little sadness knowing that I left all I had on the table and loved without looking back!
So I must say goodbye to part one of my life, but in turn I say a warm welcome to part two! I pray that Part two becomes even better than part one.

part one

The Big Story
So I finished my bachelor’s degree in social science education in December of 2006, and I was not prepared to begin teaching the first semester out of college. That following March I moved to Hattiesburg with some friends, and I still was not really ready to begin teaching. To be honest, the idea of being tied down to one space and one job for an entire year scared me to death. I have always liked the idea of being able to pick up and go where ever I want to. Recently, this independence has turned into a deep desire to belong somewhere and to someone. To be independent but to have a place in this world with a specific task to complete that somehow makes someone’s world a better place. I don’t think I have been looking for a home – I have one of those and a legacy that I am proud to be a part of.
Home
Home is 332 Franklin Shows Road – my parents home and the house that is located down the hill from Mamaw and Papaw’s home and across the field from Uncle Allen and Aunt Susan’s home. And recently Uncle Herschel and Aunt Sharon have joined the crew. No matter where I move in this world, that little area of the world will always be home to me! My sisters and I, along with several of our cousins, grew up on that hill – it’s one of my favorite places filled with so many incredible stories of fun and laughter and some tears. This place is also part of my legacy – you see it is also the home place for my grandfather. Papaw was born not far from where he and my grandmother, Mamaw, settled and where he still lives today. The other part of that legacy is my Mamaw – Daisy Sharp. The matriarch of the family is one who showed all of how to love through unceasing hospitality, incessant grace, and an ever-strong but kind demeanor. She was the very epitome of a Proverbs 31 woman – right down to an unshakable faith in the Almighty God. This incredible woman loved and cherished her family, and that fact was evident in every aspect of her life. Special events such as Thanksgiving and Christmas meant that upwards of 50 people would fill the family home to enjoy a delicious meal and lots of laughter. Food is also part of this legacy as it was most often the means through which Mamaw’s love was conveyed. There is really no way of knowing just how many people sat her table or ate something from her kitchen. We recently saw Mamaw leave this world and go home, but for me, its almost as if she is still here. I see her in my mother – an incredible woman who like Mamaw is the epitome of a Proverbs 31 woman and who also shows others love through her hospitality and grace. I see Mamaw in my sister who loves her two children, husband, and family more than life itself. In my two uncles, the sons that Mamaw counted down until the very last day of her life, I see the quiet kindness and strength that comes from doing what you love and doing it well. In my other sister, Candace, I know that the unconditional love for everyone that she possesses came from the woman who loved us all with that unconditional love. Even in my father, who was her son-in-law , I see that incessant grace – which is a perfect example of Mamaw’s love. For even though my father was her son-in-law, she saw him as her son. The five men and women who make up the in-laws were never seen as such – Mamaw said she had ten children. I like to think that we can all see bits and pieces of her in each other, and I pray that one day my husband calls me the same thing that my Papaw called Mamaw – a number 10!
Starting Over
So here I am with an incomparable legacy and a place that will always be home searching for the place to belong, the person to belong to, and the task to complete during my sojourn. I thought I at least knew what the task to complete was; however, four years after graduating with my bachelor’s I am still without a teaching job. I know that part of this is my fault as I didn’t look much that first couple of years. However, the past two years I have really put my heart and soul into finding a job, and it will have to be an act of God, literally, for me to find a teaching job close to home now.
I have been incredibly blessed with a gift for learning and retaining information, and I believe that part of my calling is sharing this with the world. I really don’t mean for this to sound conceited, but to help you understand that this gift is one of the main reasons that I want to teach. What good is having a gift if you don’t use it for good and share it with others. Also my heart is to teach history and all the social sciences to students in a way that makes it come alive for them. I truly believe that only when you know where you come from can you truly know where you are going. Social studies is part of that – all the events in history are simply extraordinary actions of ordinary men and women reacting to extraordinary circumstances. It is incredibly inspiring to me to know that Eleanor Roosevelt was once a normal girl just like me, and Abraham Lincoln failed many times before becoming President.
I believe that God has a plan for our lives; however, if I don’t teach this year I don’t know what my plan is going to include in that area. I believe that I have found a place to belong – Laurel is home. I really love this place. No matter what city I go to, it seems that I can’t wait to come back to Laurel.
I will let you know more as I find out more on this journey!

lately

I have been reading this book by Donald Miller, and he is absolutely brilliant and completely honest – something rarely seen these days. In his book, he is in the process of making a movie, and along this process he learns the importance of having a good story. Miller says that a story is a condensed version of life; therefore, some of the same principles that make a good story will make a good life. The main character must want something and overcome conflict to get whatever it is he or she wants. Miller also points out that many people are not living a good story and that he finds himself often checking out of his current life and living in his daydreams. (This of course is explained much more eloquently and in detail in his book so you really need to check it out!) This checking out and living in daydreams struck a chord within me because I often find myself looking out a window or thinking up some story in my head. This probably sounds really crazy to some of you, but sometimes I find myself not really participating in my own life. And to have a good story you must be an active participant in your own life, and I really want my life to be a good story.
But I have a theory as to why I, and possibly some of you, are not active participants and daydream all day. When we watch a movie or read a good book, we are often transported to a world completely different from our own, and the characters in the movies and books we love often encounter some of the most difficult hardships anyone will face. We love these books and movies, but when it comes to our own lives we shy away from getting out there because it means inevitably you will face tough times in some form or another. If you are really living and participating in the story, then hardships are incredibly difficult to detach from. And we want to avoid the tough stuff at all costs, and that we cannot avoid we want to detach from it as not to incur any pain at all.
I think that is one of my problems – I don’t want to fail and I don’t want to hurt so I have stopped trying at some things and I have tried to detach myself and stop feeling. Loving people who don’t love you or loving those who leave you hurts to the point that sometimes it’s hard to breathe so I have stopped making the effort to let people in and those who are in could be relocated at the smallest slight. Because people can hurt you and leave you, then it’s better to leave or hurt them first so as to spare my heart pain. Can I tell you that this is the loneliest sentiment in the world, and you can’t really live at all in this state much less live a good story. I know from extensive experience. To live a good story and a good life, then you have to feel – the joy and the pain, the love and the loss, and everything in between. It’s going to be difficult and at times you will not be able to breathe; however not to feel is to not live at all.
Another element Miller points to in this living a good story is identifying the Writer – the One who types away at the keyboard or puts pen to paper in your life. For me the Writer is God, and He writes the best story. At times, I don’t listen to the Writer and I go off on my own and do what I want to do. Most often that is to my detriment or disappointment; if I would have followed the Writer, the story would be much better. My personal issue is that I want there to be some sort of neon sign telling me which direction I should go, but the Writer is more apt to appear in a still, small voice or in words from the Bible or from good Christian friends.
At this time, I must tell you that this is a time of great pain for me and my family. My grandmother – the very heart of our entire family is ill with cancer and the evil disease is taking a toll on her body. The thought of her not being in my life breaks my heart and turns my world upside down. I think if I start crying I might not be able to stop. My Mamaw is literally a second mother to me and my sisters. Our parents have to work and make a living, and we spent a great deal of time with our grandparents before and after school and during the summer. Spending time with them instilled in us a love and respect for the role they play in our lives and our family, and they taught us about working hard, doing our best in all that we did, and helping others who could not help themselves. I cannot accurately describe the phenomenal affect my grandparents had on my life and on anyone they come into contact with really. Just to name a few of the things that Mamaw passed onto me is a love of flowers, a sassy attitude, a love to cook for others, the need for our family to be happy, a strong faith in God, and the practice of speaking our mind even if that is unpopular. To the say the least, Mamaw is a pillar in my life and her home a refuge from pain and heartache. She and my mother (her daughter) are my rocks! I love her more than life.
“I’ve heard it said
That people come into your life for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today because I knew you
I well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You’ll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have rewritten mine
By being my friend…
Who can say that I have been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed by the better
And because I knew you, I have been changed for good!”
- “For Good” from Wicked

i am back!

So I have not posted a blog in a while, so I thought I might catch you up on the goings-on around our world. First of all, my grandmother, Daisy Sharp, was admitted to the hospital this past Thursday because her sodium levels were low. We also learned that this very possibly is the beginning of the end for her. She is an amazing woman, and I can’t imagine my life without her. She is one of the pillars of our family, and definitely a pillar of strength for us. She has been one of the artists in molding my life and my person into who I am today. Needless to say this has been an extremely difficult past week or so.
To add to that, Candace and I came home Sunday after church and lunch with the parents to find the better part of a tree in our driveway. It was in our driveway because our wonderful neighbors cut it off our ROOF and put a tarp over the holes in the roof. Finally around 10:00 last night Candace goes out to the back porch and falls through one of the boards in the floor! She will have a nasty bruise on her leg for a while. We have been very blessed through all of this, but we are reaching the threshold for “good” news at this time. I know I have no right to complain, but there comes a time when you wonder just how much one can take.
So I have been thinking a little lately…
Sometimes I feel as though I really don’t fit in anywhere. Has anyone out there ever felt anything similar to this? It’s not a good feeling as I have always longed for a place that has a colie-shaped cut out waiting to be filled. There have been times in my life where I felt like I found a place, but these places have always been temporary. Perhaps that is a lesson – that there is not just one place for everyone, but several places that we fill at given times throughout our lives. If that’s case, then it has been a while since I have found the new place where I am to be. I feel as though I have been just floating around – like a butterfly flitting from one flower to the next or like the Israelites wandering in the desert for forty years. Please, dear God, don’t let my wandering period last forty years!
I know where I want my place to be. I was reminded of that not so long ago when I took part in the field experience portion of my MS Field Experience class. The main part of this class is to travel to Port Gibson, Natchez, and Vicksburg and everywhere in between to see areas in our state where real history took place. This is one thing that I get excited about, because history can be interesting if you think about the real people and places. History can come alive when it becomes more than just facts and figures and when you put real people and places with those facts and figures. That’s one of the reasons I want to teach – I want to make history interesting!
One of the places we visited was Longwood in Natchez, and it is an unfinished plantation home. The outside was pretty much complete, but the inside was never finished except the basement. The family lived in the 10,000 square foot basement while waiting on the war to end and the house to be completed. It hurt my heart that this house had such potential, and never reached that potential. The plans and the sheer magnitude of this house would have been amazing if it would have been finished. I never want it to be said that I had such potential and never reached my full potential or never did anything with it. I want to accomplish my goals, and I want to reach my potential. I don’t want my heart to hurt due to lack of activity.